Push heart-to-heart until after Valentine’s Day

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This article was published 11/02/2022 (1665 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Valentine’s Day is coming, and I feel guilty. I have a girlfriend, but I can’t say I love her. She says she loves me all the time. She’s great, but I don’t really like her family and her fancy lifestyle at home. I only went over to her family’s house once, and the furniture in the living room alone was worth more than my truck.

She says she “gets a kick” out of my cosy apartment with the second-hand furnishings, and my own artwork on the walls. Everything is old — except for the brand new mattress I bought for the place “in her honour” this Christmas.

This Valentine’s thing has kind of brought me to my senses. I realize I have no intentions of marrying this girl and taking her away from the lifestyle she knows — the good life, stable money, expectations of a home and university funds for the children, not to mention a new car every few years. Her parents disapprove of me. I realize now that me and my lifestyle are a walk on the wild side for their rebel daughter.

I now know I never want to be her husband, so is it better to have this talk before or after the Valentine’s Day exchange of cards and gifts, which always cost me too much? Now that I want out, I need to get it over with.

— Feeling Like a Jerk, Transcona

Dear Feeling Like a Jerk: Hold up. There’s no need to be cruel when you make your exit. Wait at least a week after Valentine’s Day to say goodbye. It’s hurtful and unclassy to ruin a sentimental holiday, especially with gloating family members watching.

Buy a cute card — not mushy — and give her some pretty flowers, though not red roses. Do not sign it with the L-word (which you wouldn’t mean), but perhaps with “To a sweet and beautiful lady on Valentine’s Day.” She won’t be overly impressed with that kind of low-level mushiness, but she won’t feel humiliated in front of family and friends. A pre-Valentine’s break-up would have them jeering at you, and giving her “we told you so” looks.

She did nothing wrong here. She’s probably defended you at home, though you wouldn’t have heard about it. She deserves some respect when this relationship ends. So, a week or so after Valentine’s Day, have the big talk. Tell her you’ve been thinking, and for you, there isn’t a real future ahead.

State what you really like about her, and then the things that can’t be changed — like differences in background, future finances and lifestyle expectations. Take responsibility. Tell her you realize these thoughts and fears are coming from your side, and she has never made you feel that you were “less.”

Be clear that you need a different situation for a long-term love match. Truth is a good thing in the long run, and you are telling yours a bit late — but at least you’re finally telling it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s this guy I really like where I work, and he doesn’t know it. I thought I’d send a bouquet of roses to him on Valentine’s Day, sign my name and see what happens. What do you think?

— Credit Card Ready, West Kildonan

Dear Card Ready: Hold that charge, Valentine’s elf! It’s likely nothing good will happen with this grand gesture. You could make him feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Instead, buy some wrapped Valentine’s hearts and take them to work for the group, and then make sure he gets one on his desk. That’ll show him what a sweetheart you are — but with no pressure. Be very careful! Workplace romances are generally not a good idea, and bosses and HR departments usually take a dim view of them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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