Treat daughter like family, not an employee

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/03/2022 (1340 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got a real shock when my 18-year-old daughter announced she’d left home to live at her boyfriend’s parents’ house “where she wouldn’t be treated like an unpaid servant.” She also got herself a paid office job at the dad’s company!

I bet they’re thinking she’s just dandy, because she can really put on an act. My ungrateful daughter was finished high school and she’s just been sitting around, planning to go to college on our money one day once COVID was over.

Her father and I both work and I need her to continue babysitting the younger kids before and after school and making dinner for the family. I don’t want a stranger in here. My daughter was not treated like free labour, although I didn’t see why I should pay her a nickel, when she lives here free with all the amenities and would have been going to college, on us.

My husband doesn’t agree with me, but I wouldn’t let him start paying her, either. Now we’ll have to hire an outsider to come into the house to do that work. I won’t be paying a red cent for her college now! How can I get her to come back and do what she’s supposed to be doing?

— Angry Mom of Three, West Kildonan

Dear Angry: A better question would be: How can you heal the widening rift with your daughter?

She won’t come back to be the unpaid help. People need to have money for dignity. Now she has a new place to live and a paying job, so she can save for college herself. She’s 18 and legally an adult now, and you can’t force her to come home.

Having said that, things may not work out with the boyfriend at some point, and that could ruin her job situation. If you change your tune to a more loving one, she might come home then, but not to the same old situation again.

It’s time for you to hire a paid replacement and wish your daughter well, regardless of whether she comes home or not.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I started seeing a new woman in December and it was really going great, until she started wanting to meet my little kids. My ex-wife is a jealous person. When we divorced, she even told me she doesn’t want me introducing new women to the children we share or there would be “consequences.” The kids live at her house.

I love those kids and miss being in their daily lives, and I don’t want consequences their mother would be quite capable of meting out. She has turned into a tough adversary.

I’ve explained the situation to my new girlfriend, but she isn’t impressed. She doesn’t have children of her own, so she doesn’t know how deep parent-child love can go. Should I try to talk my ex-wife into this, or call my lawyer?

— Between a Rock and a Hard Place, Wolseley

Dear Between: Don’t introduce the children unless the new lady is a serious relationship for you. The kids will go right home and tell Mommy what a nice lady your new girlfriend is!

If you do have a serious relationship going, call your lawyer first, and then talk to your ex-wife, knowing exactly what your rights are. Without this knowledge, you’ll be in a weaker position. She may be angry, but she can’t forbid you from seeing your children, because you introduced them to the woman in your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into an old love, as we met head-on outside my local grocery store. It seems we both live in the same neighbourhood now. She moved, not me. My God, she was looking good — just like old times. We started chatting and the first thing she said was: “Did you ever quit drinking?” I looked at her and said, “What does it matter to you?” and she said, “It matters.”

I turned on my heel and left. What the heck did she mean by that? Even if I had quit, I’m…

— Not Up for Round 2 Yet, North End

Dear Not Up: Yes, it sounds like she might have been interested in another try, if you’d quit drinking. But, it seems you haven’t. Good thing you both moved on from the old relationship. Or, did you?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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