Unity, dignity will help family through hard times

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This article was published 15/03/2022 (1657 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My granddaughter says she wants to come live with me and her grandpa. At our house there’s always enough food, clothing, people who love her and toys. Also, I don’t work outside the home.

Her mother is embarrassed she can’t support her little girl well. The baby’s father took off somewhere when she was pregnant. He doesn’t call or send money — a real deadbeat.

My daughter doesn’t want to lose her only child “from under her roof,” but she has to work long hours. We’d take in our little granddaughter in a heartbeat, but that’s not happening, says my daughter.

She’s trying to be a good mom, and she loves her child fiercely. Do you have any suggestions?

— Upset Grandma, Riverview

Dear Upset: Consider inviting your daughter to live with you for a certain period, until she gets on her feet. Then you’ll all be living under the same roof — and you can do the child care while mom goes to work.

Your daughter will need to help at home so she feels like the adult she now is. Ask her what she might like to do — laundry for the family or cooking meals on her days off, maybe. Together, you could make a monthly schedule so nobody has to ask or remind.

If your daughter makes enough money, she could buy her child’s clothes. Even if she doesn’t, she should be able to go shopping on her own and choose everything. The idea is for you to stay in the grandma role and your daughter to remain the momma to her little girl. When it comes to getting permissions, you should most often say, “Ask Mommy.”

Multi-generational families can work, as long as people recognize the younger adults are still clearly the parents of the kids involved. Your daughter may be afraid you’ll step in and take over being the mother to her little girl. It will be your challenge not to let that happen — or your daughter might leave with her child in tow before it’s financially wise.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In reference to difficult names for kids at school, sometimes the damage is done at the time of naming and continues into adulthood. The child then suffers through school years with a weird name that invites teasing. However, the person can change all that when they’re older — at 16 with parental permissions and at 18 without anybody’s permission. I changed all three of my names!

I went from a name I didn’t like to a name I’m proud of, and really suits me. It has improved my life a lot.

At first, old neighbours and friends who still knew me tried to call me by my old name. I just corrected them and smiled. In some cases I had to shut down the smirking by saying clearly, “I chose my new name, and I really like it.”

The added advantage is people you didn’t like from your younger days won’t know how to find you. And, as we all know, many women who get married often change their last name to their husband’s — and they don’t think that’s a big deal.

— My Name, My Choice, Garden City

Dear My Choice: Some people are so unhappy about their first name (or their whole name) they don’t want to go through the rest of their lives like way. They can find more details about legal name change at Manitoba Vital Statistics Branch (vitalstats.gov.mb.ca/change_of_name.html).

Legally changing a name is not particularly expensive (a couple hundred dollars, on average) but since 2014, all adult applicants must have their fingerprints taken. Name-changing is not a way to duck the law.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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