Perceived role as boss’s pal tough to navigate

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/06/2022 (1535 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boss is an idiot and everybody knows it. She has it in for a number of people in the organization, but she has taken a big liking to me because I’m an athlete like her.

This is a problem, as people are starting to suspect I’m the in-office spy. I’m nothing of the sort! Unfortunately, I am a naturally friendly woman so she comes over and sits on my desk and acts chummy like we’re (at the very least) business friends.

She’s not being sexual, just acting like we’re great pals. I don’t want to leave my job or this company but people are back in the office now for the most part, and they’re believing what they think they see.

I feel people are being careful what they say around me now. I’m beginning to feel like the secret enemy. I don’t want to be in this role. What should I do?

— Unhappy Chosen One, Downtown

Dear Chosen One: She’s landed on you, and isn’t going to go away unless you distance yourself. Good luck on that! When you start giving her the cold shoulder, she’ll feel hurt and betrayed. That will come back on you as cold anger.

You aren’t likely going to win here, although you can try backing off by degrees. As much as you don’t want to do it, you may need to start thinking about a move outside this company.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In response to “Perpetual Doldrums,” I agree that doom-scrolling bad news is not a good thing. Neither is their imbibing a couple of glasses of wine at the same time, as wine is a depressant. (I suggested a scrolling “diet,” seeing a therapist and volunteering as a way to feel more helpful and to meet people. —Miss L.)

One thing I’ve learned during this pandemic is that loneliness and depression are two very different things. Depression may call for meds and/or counselling; loneliness calls for contact with people.

I’ve also learned that no matter how many friends you may think you have, most people are, or were, married. They have families, and may not have time for, or don’t know what to do with, a single person. No matter how much volunteer work you do to fill all the empty hours, at the end of the “shift,” everyone goes home to their spouse and/or family, except those of us, who go home to an empty house and life.

When it comes right down to it, if you are single and have no family, no one has time or much concern for an “alone” person. It was a very painful, and increasingly lonely thing to discover. If even some of the hundreds (thousands?) of people I know in this city and country had made even one phone call to me during those two pandemic years, I would have been very busy, and would have felt like a cherished person.

Yes, I did make contact, through phone calls and emails. The phone calls usually resulted in “Oh, we’re just on our way out…” or some long dissertation on all the things the “family” is doing, and the emails may have been answered within several weeks — not very satisfying as a loneliness reliever. Going out alone — seeing everyone out with a partner or families — can often be worse than just staying home and pretending no one else has a life, either.

I’ve spoken with other single people about this and their experiences have been very similar. In general, people do not know how to be with a single person; in fact, they have little understanding of or interest in, what loneliness really is. Maybe it’s time for the “unmasking” of and some insight into what loneliness really is.

— Single and Lonely, Manitoba

Dear Single and Lonely: Yes, loneliness hurts badly and it has definitely been compounded by the pandemic. Some are single and alone, and others actually live with people, but are not close and still feel alone.

The COVID-induced loneliness was bleak and seemingly endless, and brought many people who hadn’t cried for years, to tears. Some people sunk from loneliness to despair to not looking after themselves — and to sickness and dying. Others tried to anaesthetize themselves with medication or alcohol — or getting lost by “doom-scrolling.” Looking at doom-and-gloom news stories made some people feel less pitiful by comparison, while others just felt worse.

What can you do about pushing back those dark waves of loneliness, as COVID gradually lessens in intensity?

For friends and family who seem to have forgotten you, update a contact list of people outside the immediate family, and ask everybody to help you plan an outdoor event to get together again this summer.

For daily company at home, consider getting a pet if you are an animal lover. That will also get you out and about in the neighbourhood and people will naturally talk with you, and introduce themselves to you and your pet.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography