Make feelings plain or distance may be permanent

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/07/2022 (1481 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Summer is lonely for me because my man keeps flying off to work, sometimes for weeks on end. It’s high season for him in an outdoor job he loves. After a couple of weeks, I get through the loneliness, to a state where I’m independent and low-level happy within myself.

I don’t want the hurt and lonely feeling again, so when he comes back for a week, I’m a bit withdrawn for the first days. He imagines it’s going to be a passionate reunion, but I’m shy at first, then happy to see him after 24-48 hours. I’m only sexual again by about the third day, usually. I usually realize at that point that I’ve been putting on the emotional brakes, and lighten up.

He’s always glad to come home to me, but he loves his job and is quite happy when he goes back to work. It annoys me that he’s often whistling as he packs to go, no doubt thinking of what adventures await him.

The last time he was home, he commented on my not seeming happy to see him and wondered if I still loved him. I was shocked! I guess my internal distancing shows. I do love him very much. Sometimes I cry as I watch the taxi pull away to take him to the airport.

How can I be different so he will feel loved when he’s home and not wondering if I even care anymore?

— Love Him Deeply, St. James

Dear Deeply: You explained this to me beautifully, so you really need to write to him, instead of trying to speak to him about this painful issue. That way you won’t choke up and say too little, and spoil time when you’re actually together.

Ask a close friend or sibling to help you edit out phrases that could be misinterpreted by your man. If the letter seems cold or hurtful to your editing friend, warm it up to the correct temperature before sending it or giving it to him to read on the plane.

People who have spouses who work out of town may have additional advice for you. They are most welcome to send me their thoughts on the issue.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I cheated on my live-in girlfriend way back in the beginning of our relationship when she hustled me into a living-together situation. I felt that she’d kind of “bought” me — and kind of thought she owned me.

She knew I was strapped for money being between jobs, so after about six weeks of dating, while I was doing odd jobs and couch surfing at friends’ houses, she offered to take me in, and pay most of the rent, until I got a full-time job.

That took five long months and sometimes over that difficult winter, she treated me like I was lucky to be a kept man. Another girl who thought I was pretty special, even in those difficult times, spent a few sexy Sunday afternoons with me at her house and restored my pride.

It preys on my conscience now. Should I tell my girlfriend who is so happy now that I have a job, and who has become much more to me? I really love her now, and it’s bothering my conscience, but the knowledge I cheated will hurt her and possibly end our relationship.

— Guilty and Scared, West End

Dear Guilty: Who deserves to suffer here? Not your lady love. However, you don’t deserve a life sentence either. You are sorry — that’s for sure — and your love has switched from low to high gear. If you want this relationship to continue, you really need to confess and be prepared to lose your sweetheart, or at least to go through a cold period.

But you never know — she might already be aware of this girl, and thought it best not to bring it up. It’s amazing what secrets our partners know and hide. It’s going to be a gamble, but if the lie is festering and you feel sick about it, you may need to confess that ugly truth and take your chances.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography