Secret-family shocker calls out for scrutiny

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/07/2022 (1135 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: At my father’s celebration of life last winter, an older lady came up to me in tears, and passed on her “deepest condolences.” She put a piece of pink paper in my hand with her phone number on it, and asked me to call when things settled. I put the paper in my pocket and actually forgot about it.

Yesterday — six months later — I found it. I was curious to find out what the woman wanted, and called her. I was hit with some upsetting news. My father had a secret family for years, and I have a half-brother. What does she expect me to do with this information?

My mother is still grieving the loss of her husband of 54 years. I do not know what to do. Do I tell my mother and break her heart further? Do I meet with the other woman, and my half-brother? What should I do, if anything?

— Secret Family, Winnipeg

Dear Secret: If curiosity is eating you up, you might as well make contact. Then you should figure out the extent of the situation and how involved your father was — whether he just paid support and that was it, or if he actually interacted with the mother and secret son over the years. If he played “husband” with the other woman and “dad” with his son, it may explain any frequent absences from your family.

In some instances of fathers with secret families that eventually come to light, a couple members of the two families meet first — kind of like scouts. If others finally get together, it’s with very few people at a time, as it’s not anything like a happy family reunion. It’s unlikely the two families will become close, but it does satisfy natural curiosity.

If your mom is not in good health, you might not want to tell her the shocking news. On the other hand, she may already have known this secret for decades, and did not tell you kids. Also, she may have unanswered questions that plague her, and finally could be answered.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is very cosy with his exes. They talk on the phone, and sometimes go out for “coffees” but he comes home smelling like liquor. I feel really uncomfortable. He said he’s not going to change, and I’d better get on board. I told him an ex is an ex for a reason! He said I was “jealous and insecure.” Am I wrong in feeling he shouldn’t be so friendly with these exes?

— Feeling Upset, Osborne Village

Dear Upset: Feelings aren’t right or wrong. They arise unbidden from situations, and are often meant to warn us. In your case, the new boyfriend is keeping fires burning with his old flames to build his ego and instigate jealousy in you. You don’t need this cruel kind of partner. Nobody does!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography