Musical choice hits sour note in relationship

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This article was published 02/08/2022 (1474 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My hot husband is wonderful, as long as he’s not part of a band. Unfortunately, his mantra is “Music is my life.” Inspired by the recent return of the Winnipeg Folk Festival, he has once again joined a band.

I broke into tears when he told me, remembering the last experience. We broke up for four horrible months, because he was “being chased” by a groupie, who eventually got him. He had sex with her and picked up an infection he then brought home to me.

He quit drinking and left his own band to get me back! Before taking him back, I said, “Next time we break up, it will be forever,” and he quickly said, “Don’t worry, darling. Nothing will ever happen again.”

Yeah, and a leopard can’t change his spots. I was a fool for taking him back. I’m already starting to twitch with nervousness. How do I prepare myself for what’s to come, now that he’s in a band again playing for the girls?

— Nervous Musician’s Wife, North End

Dear Nervous Wife: You’ve chosen to get back with a guy who’s known to cheat on you. Instead of crossing your fingers, or twitching, you need to find a way to cope with the very real cheating possibility, ahead of time. Take back your power.

Here’s what some musicians’ partners do: attend a lot of gigs to babysit their partners; decide to accept the straying, and turn a blind eye; pick up an instrument (if they have the chops) and join their husband’s band; and some “band widows” secretly get their own side romances going, as they have so many evenings free!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been living with a beautiful young woman who drinks too much. She seems to think it’s no big deal, but it’s to the point now where she says, “I need a drink!” every day. She gets home from work, pours herself a big glass of wine and drinks all evening until the bottle is gone — and she’s nodding off.

She isn’t a mean drinker. I love her, and I’m so attracted to her, but I fear it will lead to real problems down the road. Is there such a thing as a happy ending with a person who loves to drink? Am I jumping to the wrong conclusion?

—Worried New Partner, Osborne Village

Dear Worried: The words “I need a drink,” uttered every day as a prelude to downing a whole bottle, are the words of a problem drinker — an alcoholic, to be blunt.

Using the word “need,” tells you her compulsion to drink is serious. It’s also a warning not to try to get in her way — but that’s exactly what you need to do.

So, say to her: “You have a serious daily drinking problem, sweetheart. You need to get help to stop.”

You might be surprised by her reactions, which could range from total denial, to raging at you, to breaking down and crying.

Or possibly you’ll get an in-your-face retort: “I admit it. You caught me. Now, are you going to ask me to leave?”

The members of Al-Anon — a support group for people who are affected by someone else’s drinking — could help you in dealing with your girlfriend, and your own feelings. For more information, visit their website at al-anon.org.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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