Nip unwelcome brother-in-law interest in bud

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This article was published 08/09/2022 (1461 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband died in the spring and his brother started dropping around to visit, bringing his garden tools. His brother is married to a know-it-all woman, who always annoyed me. I let him in because I was lonely. I finally asked him if his wife knew he was visiting me regularly and he said, “Yes, she knows. I told her I was doing your gardening for you this summer.” I’d noticed he always took flowers home for her.

Then I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Why are you really coming over here?” He took my hand and said, “Because I’m attracted to you, and I can’t help my feelings!”

I asked how long this has been going on, and he said, “Since I met you at the beach.” More than 20 years ago!

Now what do I do? He’s an attractive, athletic man and reminds me of his brother, but he’s not half what his brother was to me.

— Widow With a Problem, southern Manitoba

Dear Widow: You’re going to need a new gardener, ASAP. This gardener is basically asking if you want him, now his brother is gone. You already know you don’t. Even though you’re lonely and his company helps with that, he’s not his brother, and he’s already married.

You may have been his first choice when he laid eyes on you 20 years ago, but he was never your first choice. Send him back to his wife, as gently as you can. It’s time to build your own single life, independently.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m getting sick of my husband pretending he’s a dumbass. He’s an electronics genius and I know for a fact he has a good head on his shoulders. Lately he’s figured out that if he does a bad job of something, I won’t ask him to do it again… just like our pre-teen kids.

I nailed him on it, and he said to me, “Don’t know what you’re talking about, Sweetie!”

I’m about to blow my stack, and tell him no sex until he gets his act together. Is that too harsh? I’m seriously angry about this. I can feel real strife brewing.

— War is Coming, Fort Garry

Dear War: So, he has to earn sex with you by doing work around the house, and doing it properly? Think about that. Then you’ve demoted him and yourself from King and Queen of the house, to demanding boss and unwilling underling!

By all means, call him out on his work-shirking technique, but then suggest you two pay somebody else to do some of it. Not everyone is handy around the house or wants to be, especially if they already have a demanding job. Since you are both tired, hire some help and save your love life.

Great sex is the glue that keeps the most unlikely of pairs happy together.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I cheated on my boyfriend to get back at him for cheating on me.

My friends told me I should just break up with him, but he seemed so sorry! He even volunteered the idea that I sleep with someone else to make us even.

I bitterly laughed that off, but I wasn’t feeling any less angry about it a few weeks later, and it started to feel like a good idea. I’d been out drinking with my girlfriends, and on the way home in my car, I phoned up a guy I used to date, who still has a crush on me.

I went over to his apartment. The cocktails and the bedroom scene was sort of fun — but it was not about love, like with my boyfriend.

I felt worse and worse as days wore on, and I finally confessed. My boyfriend was shocked — and disgusted. He said, “I never thought you’d actually do it. I just can’t be with you now!”

Now he’s gone. How is that fair? Everything is broken and I feel like a cheap, awful person, while he feels like he was the one who was betrayed. My revenge didn’t bring out forgiveness and a new start, like I hoped it would. Where do we go from here?

— Village Idiot, Osborne Village

Dear Village Idiot: There’s a small chance for you two idiots yet. You’ll need to back off each other totally, both get some counselling and let yourselves slowly heal. Maybe months or even a year from now, you’ll run into each other. Maybe then you’ll be able to give it another go. For now, that’s not an option, because there’s simply too much blame and too much pain.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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