True love means letting partner parse old heartbreak

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/09/2022 (1488 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The devil is back! My boyfriend’s former heartbreak has moved back to Winnipeg. I know she’s going to try to lure him back. Not that she really wants him, because she could have been married to him by now if she’d stayed!

When she took off two years ago, she devastated him. He’d given her a promise ring — all he could afford at the time — and they’d even talked about getting married and having kids. Then, she panicked, I guess. She went behind his back and secretly got herself enrolled in some artsy college down in Ontario, wrote him a goodbye letter and took off.

He just came apart at the seams. He was my ex-boyfriend’s buddy.

I’d always liked him, and I was free and feeling lonely myself. I boldly went to his place, gave him a big hug and that was it! We ended up in a long kiss and I felt a tear running down his cheek. I thought it was a tear of relief, but I wonder now if he was pretending I was her?

I taught him to want life again. We’ve had a peaceful, gentle relationship ever since. He knows he’s really loved this time, but he has never said “I love you” to me. So, I freaked when I heard that witch was back and asking questions about him and what he’s been doing with me. This is Winnipeg and I have my spies.

I screwed up my courage and asked him today if he’d been talking to her, and he said “God, no!” Then I had the inspiration to ask him one other question. “Has she called you yet?”

He hesitated and said, “Yes, three times, but I’m not answering.”

I just want to go over to her place and tear her apart! What should I do?

— Worried Sick He Still Loves Her, Wolseley

Dear Worried Sick: Going to attack her is not going to improve your status with him. In fact, it might ruin your chances. It is likely he’s going to want to see her — even if it’s one last time, to finally talk about what happened. Why? He’s likely had so many unanswered questions in his mind since she abandoned him.

As a person with some pride, he didn’t go running over to talk with her the first three times she called. As a man of honour, he didn’t lie to you about her calling. You can bet there will be a meeting with her at some point, and it’s likely she will go to his place of work. There’s nothing you can do about that, except hope it happens sooner rather than later, as it’s hard on you to wait.

Don’t make the mistake of breaking up with this man now! It’s likely he will see his ex, and she won’t look the same and his feelings won’t be the same. You need to let that happen. If it does, he will know how he feels about you, and those feelings will be able to grow. If it doesn’t, he was never the right man for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We have been packing up at the lake for another year and it is always a bittersweet time. Now my wife is telling me she has the feeling someone is going to offer us a lot of money for our cabin. I’d laugh at this, but she is a strange creature and has psychic premonitions that sometimes come true. I also know she’d like to buy another cabin!

In order to get a big offer for our cabin, we’d have to put it on the market. Is she trying to manipulate me? She is usually quite straight-forward. I don’t care as much about lake life as some people. What do you think?

— Sitting on the Fence, Winnipeg

Dear Fence-sitter: Your wife knows what she wants, and you are OK either way. Take the positive route! Why not put the cabin up for sale and see if you do get a big bite? It could be the beginning of a great new adventure for both of you. You might find your interest in lake life as a whole is stoked if you find a fun new place. You have nothing to lose but your boredom, and your lake-loving wife is already looking forward to future excitement.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We’ve had some deaths in the family and my wife is pregnant with a boy. She’d like to name the baby after one of her dead relatives. What a bad idea! I’m totally against this and think our child deserves to have his own life without somebody else’s history dogging his tracks. What do you think?

— Baby Son Needs Fresh Start, Fort Garry

Dear Fresh Start: You can put in a salute to a deceased person you loved in a second name, without the child having to carry that name out into the world in general. Here’s a deal to propose: Perhaps you can pick the baby’s first name and your wife can pick the second. If she balks at that, then the child gets two totally new names!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography