Rebalancing home, family duties a good first step

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/09/2022 (1158 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’d had about all I could take with my “house-husband” and his lack of decent cooking and housekeeping. The final straw? The way he treated the back-to-school shopping for our three girls. If I hadn’t stepped in last minute, and rushed off to the stores one evening, they’d have been wearing old outfits that didn’t fit on the first day of school.

I told him off when they were waiting in the car to go shopping: “I work 10-hour days at my profession, five days a week, and still come home to dinner not started, the house messy and essential school shopping not done!”

He looked at me and said, “I could just walk, you know.” He said it like he could play that card right now if he wanted to, as if it weren’t a new idea to him.

I said, “You’d pull away from taking care of the kids?” He said, “Yes, and taking care of you every week day so you can work at your important job.” That floored me. I couldn’t think of what to say. I just went to the car. He went out somewhere that night.

Since then, things are going on just as before, while I’m waiting for my world to implode. My husband is quiet and polite, but he doesn’t touch me. The kids have noticed the silence, and the oldest one said, “Are you and Daddy fighting?”

It’s serious. What can I do to prevent him from leaving us? His staying home is the reason I can have a career like I do. I’d go crazy being at home, being the house parent all day. My husband is so much better at organizing kids and being a parent. Well, most of the time.

Frankly, I make a lot of money and my husband doesn’t have that possibility in the kind of work he left behind. But now, I feel my world tilting, since he’s threatened me. I’m worried sick. What should I do?

— Living Nervously, Transcona

Dear Living Nervously: Making no apology at all is like leaving a gaping wound without a bandage. Your husband has gone beyond anger to silence, and he may well be may be making alternate plans. A real apology is needed right now, but it isn’t enough if you don’t understand what happened.

First, know this: Taking the girls to buy clothes and other girly things is usually in the mom’s job description, no matter how much she works at her career. He doesn’t see you helping with important parenting events. You could spend some of the considerable money you make on pre-prepped meals. There are companies who’ll happily do all that for a fee. Even using a service for three meals a week means you are not always overworked at the start of “5 p.m. red hour” when everybody’s tired and hungry.

You can also find wash-and-fold laundry services for the family to free your husband up. With summer over and kids back in school, he should have more time for some life outside the house. He needs some personal freedom — seeing a friend, getting some exercise, connecting with people online or even working out a small business. Also, you two need to start having some fun as a couple, again.

Treat this scary situation as an opportunity to work out a lifestyle that suits both marriage partners. If you can’t work it out by talking together, get professional help from a relationship counsellor, ASAP.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just got married for the third time, and I’m thrilled with my new love — except for the fact he wants me to start travelling with him. I have COVID worries and he’s already looking at possible trips.

I want to wait before we travel somewhere with no access to Canada’s health-care system.

He argues we could take a direct flight somewhere, and it sounds reasonable — but I’m not feeling totally reasonable. We also have friends who are motoring down to Mexico and he says, “Why not just go with them?” I just stood there with a stubborn look on my face.

Yesterday, we got into our first fight and I said, “Why don’t you go without me before Christmas, and I’ll come down after Christmas if COVID numbers come down?” He didn’t go for that. Got any ideas for us?

— Dragging My Feet, southern Manitoba

Dear Dragging: Here’s a compromise: There are beautiful fall trips within Canada that might satisfy your new husband’s wanderlust this year. Then you could see about the situation in Mexico after Christmas. Direct flights certainly beat transferring in crowded airports. Also, travelling with friends by car can limit the people you encounter, if your friends aren’t the type who want to shop and party it up in bars on the trip down.

Wearing masks can also help your chances of not getting sick or passing it on. Good luck in whatever you do, newlyweds, and be sure to update your vaccines!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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