Don’t slam brakes on wife’s hobby infatuation

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This article was published 15/09/2022 (1467 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: For a hobby, I restore antique cars, but now my wife’s input is now getting on my nerves. She had a tow truck bring home yet another old car today! It’s parked in our long driveway.

It looks like she’s appointed herself a scout, and she has the money to buy old cars, thanks to her recent inheritance. But this is my hobby, not hers! I want to work on cars I find interesting, not ones she thinks could be “real pretty, if I brought them back to life.”

At first, I was pleased she thought of me as the life-giving god of old cars, but not anymore. I love her, but this is making us quarrel. Please help.

— Lost My Patience, Winnipeg outskirts

Dear Lost Patience: Like a proud outdoor cat, she’s bringing home delicious treasures she’s hunted down for you, and dropping them at your feet. Unfortunately, you don’t want them.

So, start describing in detail the types of cars you might want and give her a list. Then ask her to take photos of those she discovers, and send them to you.

She might stumble on something great, and you’d be mad at yourself for missing out. You don’t own this hobby, after all, and it can be shared.

You probably know other people who do restoration work. Why not link them link them up with your wife, so you’re not her only go-to for a car she personally loves?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I left home as my young husband was having a shower and getting ready for work. Then I realized I had forgotten my phone, so I went back for it. I discovered him back in bed, with the blinds pulled. Major fight! It turns out he lost his last job, like the ones before it. He didn’t know how to tell me.

He has a rich mom who spoils him, and will even give him rent and expense money now he’s married. She tells him she just wants him to “find a job he really likes.” He has no training for that, so when things don’t go his way, he just quits or gets himself fired.

I’m beyond upset, to the point I’m thinking of leaving. I thought I loved my sweet, easygoing husband, but he’s so immature! How can I have kids with a baby like him?

— Hard-Working Young Wife, East Kildonan

Dear Hard-Working: This young man got married before he grew up, and it’s hard to know when he will. It’s time for serious marriage counselling. You might want to go for a solo session first, and then ask your husband to go alone for one, before you join him. You’ll probably have to pay for the counselling yourself, but it’s an investment in a good decision, and your future. Tell his mama you don’t want her money if she offers it. She’s already too far invested, and not in a helpful way.

The bottom line? You want a grown-up marriage and kids — and you’re willing to work. This husband is not on that page, and may never be. Some marriage partners with overly-supportive parents never learn to stand on their own. Be aware that the healthiest solution might be for you to walk away before there’s a baby on the way. Don’t make the mistake of thinking getting pregnant would force him to grow up in a hurry.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My granny married a new man I really like. My mom doesn’t like him, because she thinks Gran is trying to replace her father. She isn’t! If my mother would only take the time to get to know this man, she’d realize he’s totally different from Grandpa.

He is making my Gran happy again. She’s not lonely anymore! How can I get my mom to give him a chance?

— Concerned Granddaughter, South St. Vital

Dear Concerned: Take a sneaky path. Let your mother get to know the new man through you. Go to visit Gran and her new husband a few times alone. Then relay to your mother all the things Gran’s new man is interested in, and how he nicely treats her. Pique your mom’s curiosity.

Then find out if the new man plays an easy card game like rummy, as that’s a good way to socialize with people you’re just getting to know, without having to talk all the time. Finally, ask Gran to invite you and your mom over there for lunch, a game and a casual visit. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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