Ignoring agoraphobia will only spark discord

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This article was published 04/10/2022 (1450 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My live-in partner is like a totally different person from when I met her before the pandemic. She used to have anxiety and took some meds that worked, but still be comfortable going out and seeing friends.

Lately, because of two years of COVID and getting used to being at home, she flat-out refuses to go anywhere. She works from home and orders everything she needs delivered to our door.

She’s eating in an unhealthy way, and she uses COVID as an excuse to not do anything, ever! I’m hating it now. I’m losing my faith things will improve, as she becomes further entrenched in what seems like agoraphobia. Would I be the bad guy for leaving someone like this? We’ve been together for four years, and I feel like our friends haven’t seen us in three.

— Held Hostage, Garden City

Dear Hostage: Tell your partner kindly but firmly, she has to get professional help for the sake of you both. Let her know that watching her head towards serious agoraphobia — without doing anything to help herself — could be a deal-breaker for you, and soon.

If you get on well with her parents or siblings, alert them to the worsening of their daughter’s anxiety since COVID started. Tell them she’s become seriously housebound. They may want to help her pay for counselling. Her doctor could recommend a psychiatrist which provincial health care covers, but they often have long waiting lists.

She needs help soon. Psychologists and other counsellors do not require a doctor’s referral, although your girlfriend’s physician can recommend someone good, who specializes in agoraphobia.

In the end, if your girlfriend digs in her heels and won’t do anything to get help, you have every right to leave and save yourself. But alert all her other supporters first.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The other day I firmly imposed a clothing compromise on my eighth grade daughter: Some waist skin is acceptable for school, but no belly buttons.

I said: “Perhaps bodysuits or tight camisoles underneath? She said no. Higher-waisted pants? “I don’t like jeans.”

The fashion choices for girls these days are slim, as well as “minimal” — literally. Even the fall/winter clothes in stores for teens and young adults are cropped and halter tops that look like lingerie. I’m a teacher. Even in my fifth-grade class, there are a few exposed belly buttons every day.

I feel my position has dragged my daughter down and is not helping her feel confident in her appearance. Do you think I should just accept the “normal“ look these days?

What do other parents of teenage daughters think? Obviously, many don’t care, based on the number of belly buttons and spaghetti straps I see every day at my middle school. Thank you in advance for your wisdom.

— ‘Morality Police’ Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Morality Police Mom: Does your daughter have a boyfriend? Is she even looking for one? Has she been getting into any trouble?

If she’s a “good kid” by and large, consider giving her a break. Relax a little and talk with her more about the other kids, her new subjects and her teachers — things that really matter.

When I was her age, we started wearing miniskirts “up-to-here.” Although my mama Cynthia expressed uneasiness with it, she wisely held back on rules and sanctions, which would have made me rebellious enough to change behind a bush on the way to school!

The good news? This year’s fad might resolve itself to a degree as freezing cold weather is on the way! In six weeks it’ll be nasty November, and school halls are drafty when kids are streaming in and out. Your daughter may want to pull a sweater over her minuscule tops, if she’s not in full-scale rebellion by then.

Buy her some soft, warm sweaters in colours she likes, and stuff them down in her backpack. Without telling you she capitulated, she might wear them at school, especially if it’s chilly. No rebel likes to be cold and shivering for too long.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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