Frequency defence is no justification for trysts

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This article was published 06/10/2022 (1448 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a trivial attraction to the same sex. I never mentioned it to my wife. I thought, “Why rock the boat over something so infrequent and so unimportant?” Once in a long while, it comes to something — like when I’m away on business and drop in at a gay club and meet someone. That’s it — maybe a few times a year.

This did not change my feelings about my excellent marriage in the least, so I didn’t think it was important enough to share it with my wife. But recently, I came home from a trip — and my wife knew. She’d been cleaning out our over-stuffed clothes closets while I was away, and found a note from a guy from one of my trips, in a pocket in an old pair of my pants.

It was a flirty note and referred to the night before and the night he was looking forward to, and was signed with his first name — definitely masculine. God knows why I didn’t rip it into a million pieces when I was away. I just forgot about it.

My wife yelled, “This changes everything!”

I said, “This changes nothing! This is one per cent of my life experience — and I will never do it again, to keep you.” She isn’t buying that. Now what? Every day I’m feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of losing her. She is the love of my life.

— Losing My Everything? Winnipeg

Dear Losing: Some people can cope with having a bisexual partner, as long as the partner is true to them while they’re a couple. But, when cheating is added to the picture, it’s too much.

In your case, you’re going to gay bars when you’re out of town, and having sex here and there. It isn’t physically safe for you or your wife back home. You’ve put her at risk to have fun times out of town and that’s understandably burning her up. You can promise her you’ll never do it again — and maybe you won’t — but she’ll still know you want to, and that you’ve cheated on her before.

Some couples can get through this kind of problem, but it’s never quite the same after. Because you love your wife deeply, it will be worth it to try everything you can — some serious talks, as well as relationship counselling if she will agree. But don’t blame her if she says she can’t trust you again, and she’s finished.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Every time I tell my husband he has done something that hurts my feelings, he hijacks the situation and gets upset. Then it’s suddenly all about poor him, and how I make him feel guilty — and how manipulative he thinks I am.

It wasn’t always this bad. To be honest, we never used to fight much, so maybe I didn’t see this coming. It has happened so often lately, I can predict it, before I even open my mouth.

What can I do? I love him, and we have two kids. I just need to feel seen and heard and respected.

— Silent and Sad Wife, Sage Creek

Dear Silent And Sad: Your husband has found a fighting technique that works, but you can stop it. Change your “I’m so hurt” guilt-inducing approach and take the bolder “I’m mad, and this is why” approach. That’s how most men work things out between them.

Can you imagine a buddy of your husband’s saying to him, “I’m so hurt, I gave you $50 and you didn’t pay it back?” No! Instead, he’d say, “I want my $50 back. I shouldn’t have to ask you. Hit a bank machine, my friend, and pay me back now.”

Your husband might find this approach from you refreshing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How do I cope with knowing my younger sister, who finished university last spring, is making twice as much money as I do? I just found out. I want to phone her and congratulate her on her new job, but I am green with envy.

— Never Graduated, St. Boniface

Dear Never Graduated: There’s no need to phone your sister and congratulate her, as long as you’re choking on the words. You might, however, make a long-term plan to get further education yourself, in something that really interests you. That way you can feel good too, and one day you’ll sincerely thank her for her example.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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