Romantic gestures about spontaneity, not penance

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/10/2022 (1444 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is a letter for the young guys out there, from an older guy. Buy your partner or spouse flowers randomly. It makes a huge difference.

If you only buy your partner flowers when they’re mad at you, they’ll grow to resent it. It’s an age-old TV trope, but in real life it can build a wall between you and your partner. It may just feel like you’re trying to buy them off, instead of fixing the problem.

Do yourself a favour and bring home some flowers when your partner is feeling down and you’re not the reason. Or on the occasion of a big accomplishment. Or just buy them because you’re at the grocery store. It will go a long way!

— From an ‘Old Guy,’ Osborne Village

Dear Old Guy: That’s great advice for those who might not understand flower psychology. Some men, who actually like flowers themselves, plant flowers around the house or on apartment balconies, picking off particularly nice blooms and presenting them to their mates.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a former football player who gained weight and got badly out of shape. My wife has been making fun of my looks for almost 10 years. The other day she did it again, so I fired back for a change! I told her she looked old, and is no longer as “hot” as she thinks.

She locked herself in our room and cried all night. I slept in the spare bedroom. She’s now refusing to talk to me, aside from what’s absolutely necessary. Needless to say, our home life has been cold and strange.

The kids are mad too. She told them what I said to her, without any context. Should I tell them that for our entire marriage she has made rude comments about my body and my looks?

I’m not ready to leave her, but our relationship is starting to feel cold and almost creepy. Where do I start?

— Larger Man, Garden City

Dear Larger Man: You’re not going to be able to solve this problem yourselves. You two need a referee in the form of a relationship counsellor. There are many years of insults from your wife’s side and a blast from yours, recently.

Make an appointment to go for counselling yourself, and ask her to go. If she won’t, go on your own and get some help on how to approach this problem. She’ll probably join you out of curiosity by the second appointment.

As for telling your kids what she said to you, tell them without going into detail about how she’s hounded you regarding your weight for many years and you finally lost it, and fired back. They may understand that dynamic from their fights with siblings.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Gaming is destroying my relationship with my husband. We are in our 20s, with one baby. My husband is ignoring both me and our child. He does spend some time playing with our baby in the mornings, but as soon as he gets home from work, he’s on his Xbox for the rest of the night. I cried the other night.

He comes from a broken home, and didn’t have parents around much. I have to ask him to do everything around the house, and I feel like his mother. He rarely volunteers to even do dishes or make dinner. I feel alone in this marriage, like I never imagined I would. We don’t really have the money for counselling.

— Gamer’s Wife and Baby, West End

Dear Gamer’s Wife: You know what you don’t want — now you need to clarify with your husband what you do want in this young marriage. In other words, you need to sit down and design your life together, including his Xbox fun with pals, and your free time when he takes the baby out. A schedule posted on the fridge could include grocery shopping, meal preparation, child-care activities, housecleaning and laundry.

Then there are personal activities outside the home with friends, baby-related activities and family outings. Your husband’s life may have been empty of that kind of thing and he may actually like finding out how to be part of a close, happy, co-operative family.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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