A little fiction could bring back romantic frisson

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This article was published 11/10/2022 (1442 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband was a great guy to have an affair with — when he was married to somebody else. There was always a feeling of cloak-and-dagger excitement when we met at our secret places outside city limits. Now that we’ve divorced our respective spouses (neither of us had kids) and got married, it’s ho-hum! To our mutual disappointment, this “normal” situation already feels tired in the romance department.

I tried sending notes to his work and suggesting meeting places out of town. He’d show up, but it was not with that same breathless feeling of getting away secretly. It felt like a faked rendezvous, because it was.

We do love each other madly, but how can we recapture that feeling of danger and excitement that fuelled us as lovers before?

— Missing the Excitement, West End

Dear Missing It: Since a little danger and variety are what excites you two, then dressing up and role-playing other characters could bring back some of the risqué feeling that turns you on.

It’ll be important to actually look like a different person for the fantasy, and even use a different name, as that’s what’s missing in your faux-secret meetings now. You’re just too familiar, living together now. You should shop separately and surprise each other with your new looks and characters.

Halloween season is the best time for buying costuming, so you’re in luck! Local sex shops can provide toys and equipment for different scenes. Good luck, and don’t forget to stay in character, like any good actor.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is going through a midlife crisis and his big thing is playing guitar all night in our basement! He has spent thousands of dollars setting up a room down there, and he plays until 3 or 4 a.m. It was kind of cool at first (and a little hot, I will admit), but now it’s driving me nuts.

I have to listen to loud guitar music every single night. And there is no sign of him slowing down. I need a compromise, but he just openly says to me, “This is my midlife crisis — better than a young girl and a Porsche.” Which is true, but still, I need some quiet nights, and I miss his company as my husband. We are 50 and 51.

Help me get through to this lunkhead, as I can’t live here like this anymore. We do nothing together every night. He goes out and plays with “the guys” two nights a week. I’ve never been invited. I am crying myself to sleep at night.

— Former Groupie, Crescentwood

Dear Former Groupie: A young girl and a Porsche? Maybe it’s time to set him free so he can try his luck with that — or with starting his career as a rock star in his 50s? Look, the truth is he doesn’t need to play guitar that loudly to practise (he could even listen to himself through headphones), so what is he trying to prove with you?

Also, he’s denying you his attention past dinner time, his loving and his companionship, and your much-needed sleep. Is he hoping you will leave? Let him know this midlife-crisis pastime has to change to accommodate you, or else you will be gone.

Speak to a lawyer you don’t share with him about alternative outcomes. Then, let this wannabe rock star know you are finished suffering for his art, and ask him what he wants to do, now that he’s behaving like he’s not married to you anymore. Outline some scenarios you have talked over with a lawyer, but tell him you are willing to go to marriage counselling.

P.S.: You might want to take a shortcut and ask him straight-up if he already has a new girlfriend. Watch his body language for a sudden jerk.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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