Reconciliation begins with brutal honesty

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This article was published 07/10/2022 (1407 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My sister slept with the man I was about to marry a number of years ago, and my family is still wondering why I refuse to speak to her. That was the second time she slept with a guy I had a relationship with. It destroyed me, but I never told on her, as I was young and thought our family would split apart.

I just got the annual call from my mom, the peacemaker, on my sister’s birthday. She tried once again to get me to call my sister and make up with her. I just can’t, though we are grown-up women now.

My mom now says she will stop talking to me, until I make good with my sister again!

I’m so upset by this I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to stop talking to my mom, but I absolutely still feel anger and rage towards my sister. Can these things ever be healed?

— Rock and a Hard Place, Winnipeg

Dear Rock: Why have you been protecting your nasty younger sister all this time? The first time she seduced a boyfriend of yours, she got off free, so she thought she could do it again. She was right!

You have mistakenly protected your mother from knowing what your jealous sister has done to harm you, and from knowing her younger daughter may need some serious help with this type of behaviour.

It’s time to tell the truth. Mom may deny it and even accuse you of lying, but be persistent and detailed in your explanation.

There’s one other thorny problem — the type of men you chose. A stronger guy would have told your younger sister to get lost, and then reported her attempted seduction to you.

The good news in this painful history? You did not end up marrying two weak men, who’d have likely cheated when other opportunities arose. Not that you need to be grateful to your sister for that, not even for one second.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got a shock recently when I opened the back door in the rain to a soaked, bedraggled version of my recent girlfriend. She said she’d gotten stuck in the mud in my lane. So, what was she doing in my lane — a drive-by?

I guess I should have invited her in, but she’s so much trouble. Now she’s telling people at school how cruel I was to her, although she is leaving me alone online. What else should I do?

— Worrying About Her Safety, Winnipeg

Dear Worrying: Contact her close friend or relative of hers, tell them she showed up at your place in bad shape and ask them to please make sure she’s doing OK. You don’t want her back and she’s not hitting you up online, so you’re partway there in the breakup.

Let’s hope family and friends embrace her. Make a second call a few days later to find out if she’s doing OK. Good for you for caring about her safety.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Your response to ‘Unwilling Daddy’ who doesn’t want to have kids reminded me of the old saying, “Many women have one more child than those they bore, and that’s the one they married.” It would certainly seem to apply in this case.

I’d advise ‘Unwilling Daddy,’ to grow up before his sweetheart decides to move on to find ‘Willing Daddy.’

— Mom of Two Willing Daddies, Manitoba

Dear Mom: Lots of guys want kids at some point, so there’s no need to settle for a guy who doesn’t like babies.

A willing daddy is a joy. This unwilling boyfriend would most likely be an unhappy father, although some men do an about-face when they hold their baby for the first time.

But it’s not worth taking a chance they’ll have a sudden epiphany. You have to trust anyone when they boldly say they don’t want babies. They’ve given you fair warning.

Send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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