Hurtful homecoming demands serious discussion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/11/2022 (1370 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife just came back from a visit to the U.S. to see her flag-waving sister — the one I can’t stand. She was away seven long days and nights, and didn’t phone me once.

I called her cell four or five nights around bedtime, and she didn’t pick up or call back to respond to my messages. Very weird! She’s always on the phone, and generally calls me once or twice a day, even at my work.

This trip, she just called me from the plane on her way home, telling me to come and pick her up. I didn’t answer, and I didn’t go to pick her up.

We’ve only made small talk since she got home. I didn’t question her about her trip after the first night home, because she was just giving me rude yes/no answers to anything I’d ask her about.

She’s weird and distant now. Something bad is going on, and I’m scared to find out exactly what. How do I even start a conversation? Could that be the end? It smells like an affair to me. She knows guys where her sister lives, because she used to live there, too.

She also misses the U.S. a lot, and hates our cold winters in Winnipeg. Please help me with the words to use.

— Her Hurting Husband, south Winnipeg

Dear Hurting: Your opening line could be a quiet, “Why did you go on this trip, and then disappear with no phone calls or responses to my messages?”

If she continues to keep you at bay, call her sister, who might give you the blast of truth you need, since she doesn’t like you anyway!

Your next step is to see a relationship counsellor and let your hurt, worry and anger come out in any way it needs to do so. Then, ask if your wife will go along with you.

You must also consider the possibility it’s not about infidelity and finding another person. Your wife may just announce she’s leaving and moving back “home,” before the deep freeze arrives here. She may have been down there making arrangements.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My recent ex-girlfriend — a short little thing — showed up on my doorstep on Halloween in a clown costume with total face mask and hat-and-flower on top. She didn’t say a word — just held out her empty pillowcase.

I didn’t recognize her, and I felt so sorry for the girl — all by herself. I threw a ton of goodies in her bag.

That same clown then phoned me from the corner laughing her head off, and said, “Thanks for the candies. I’m eating them right now!“ It was a voice I instantly recognized — my wild ex.

I said, “Come back here, you brat!” and two minutes later she was back at my door. Big reunion! She stayed all night. Now we’re back at Square 1 — lots of fun, but I can’t stand her drinking.

I’m not 30 yet, but I have a career and my own home, and I’m getting serious about wanting to make a life with a family and kids. There’s no room for an alcoholic in it, no matter how cute and funny. But, she keeps phoning me, and I keep caving.

She says she really loves me, but still denies she is anything more than a social drinker. Please help!

— In Love With a Drinker, St. Vital

Dear In Love: This young woman may well be in love with you, but she’s more in love with drinking right now, and how it makes her feel.

You’d benefit by getting in touch with the group Al-Anon (al-anon.org), which offers support for people who are negatively affected by another person’s drinking — like a sweetheart, spouse, sibling, parent or friend. This group will listen and give you the straight goods.

Also, consider continuing the search for someone you find to be just as much fun as this clown who’s come back trying to charm you. But try to make it a person who’s not addicted to anything but you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I literally ran into my “McDonald’s job boyfriend” from high school at a gas station the other day. Just a tap on his bumper! He slammed on the horn, and jumped out. We ended up pointing and laughing at each other. It was only a little scratch and he said he’d let it go. Great!

Then I got a call from him, asking if I’d go for coffee with him and catch up on old times. I said, “No thanks, I heard you’re a married man with a kid,” and he replied, “Not really married anymore, for the past year.”

I told him I still couldn’t do it and he said a disappointed goodbye. Did I overreact? I don’t have a serious boyfriend but something about the interaction made me apprehensive.

— Feeling Suspicious, East Kildonan

Dear Suspicious: It’s important to obey the warnings our brains give us, even if we don’t quite understand the whole message coming in.

If you’d been re-attracted to this old boyfriend at the scene of the accident, and he’d said he was divorced, you might have said yes to the coffee date.

But he said he was “not really married” which sounds like a separation, and that they are possibly still seeing each other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.