Don’t be guilted into oversharing on family plan

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This article was published 15/11/2022 (1116 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m asexual and so is my beautiful girlfriend. We live together harmoniously, and sleep together or apart depending on the demands of the work day. We are affectionate and like to cuddle to watch movies, and we share the same hobbies.

We just don’t care about sex — don’t want it, not interested and are both fine with that.

The trouble is my family thinks we’re holding out on them, in terms of not getting married and not giving them grandchildren. We love each other, but we don’t “do” sex and both have serious careers. We intend to be child-free forever.

What do we tell our parents? Lately, my folks have been telling us they feel sad, because they have no grandchildren. They keep wishing and hoping.

Do they need to know we’re asexual? That seems like over-sharing, but, it’d definitely stop the broad hints we’ve been getting lately.

— Happy Asexual Couple, Wolseley

Dear Couple: The only info you need to share with your folks is this: you’re not going to have children, as you prefer to remain “child-free.” The particulars of your bedroom situation are none of their business, just as theirs is none of yours. There may be one or two more discussions about kids with your folks, but make sure the topic isn’t left open for more discussion after that.

Make sure to emphasize how much you love your lives together as a couple. If you and your partner have any pets, share them more and encourage your folks to “babysit” them when you go away.

Once you’re frank about your no-babies plan, your parents may focus on other relatives’ kids or just get a pet of their own to pamper in their own home.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I caught my husband in a full-blown affair. He’s a tall, muscular man, but he actually broke down and cried huge tears, and I believed his remorseful words. He was so terribly sorry, and promised never to cheat again.

Then I took my mother’s advice. I started to dress better and pay more attention to him, both in and out of the bedroom. I forgave him for cheating and we privately re-dedicated ourselves to our marriage. It seemed he had forgotten about “her.” (I will never call her by name.)

Imagine my shock, when I found a letter from her in his pants pocket this week. She referred to things he’d said to her, since he got caught. He said he had to make it look like he was “good” with his wife — or he’d be financially ruined. (He works for my family’s business.)

The woman also mentioned his crying, and how she believed him when he said he still loved her. His crocodile tears worked again! I’m finished with him, but my religious mother says “men are men” and to give him another chance. What do you think? I’ve had it with this idiot, but I only have half-time work.

— Marriage Beyond Repair, East Kildonan

Dear Beyond Repair: If crocodiles could talk, they’d tell you they aren’t shedding tears because they’re feeling sorry. Your husband also appears to be programmed to shed tears when the atmosphere is getting uncomfortably hot.

Time to say “bye-bye,” but get yourself prepared first. You probably need a full-time job or two half-time gigs. (Luckily, his job in the family business might come open soon!) Ask close friends and family to look out for a good job for you. Then get a real support team together — personal counsellor, money adviser and an excellent divorce lawyer — and get yourself free.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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