It’s time to raise the curtain on the real you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/11/2022 (1384 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I always wanted to be an actor and managed to get some pretty good parts in paying shows in other cities, but it wasn’t enough to keep me alive. So, I got a “real” job in sales, and the acting work came in handy. I could be any kind of guy the customer wanted me to be.

That went well money-wise, but then it veered into my love life. I could be the complement to whatever type of woman I ran into. My last girlfriend called me out, asking, “Who are you really? You can play-act anybody, but will the real man please stand up?”

I just don’t know who that would be anymore. I feel really weird. That girlfriend was not wrong, and she’s not here to help me.

Now she’s gone too. I’m always onstage in my life, and can “pivot” to whatever character I need to be. But who am I? I’m feeling creeped out by my own self. What now?

— Mr. Nobody, St. James

Dear Mr. Nobody: The good thing about your problem is you know clearly that you’re playing different roles to win people’s interest and affection. It’s not completely out of your control yet. Talk to your doctor about seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist. The challenge is to get a firmer grip on who you are, at your core.

For prep work, start thinking about yourself way back before you became an actor. What were you naturally interested in as a boy? What did you do for fun? What came easily to you? Who did you admire as a role model? Who were you romantically attracted to in real life at different stages of your life? Gradually, with some professional help, you can work through this and get a picture of who you are naturally, “when you’re at home.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my baby boy so much! His mom is working and I (lucky Daddy) am the stay-at-home parent. Sometimes when Mom comes home from work, there’s trouble with our baby. She’s been missing him all day and she says she thinks about hugging him all the way home. And she’s one boisterous woman!

Yesterday, she demanded I give him over instantly, and he turned away from her and sobbed! What is the solution to this hurtful situation?

— Preferred Parent, West End

Dear Preferred: Oddly enough, time alone with your wife the minute she’s in the door is not what your baby is longing for. He’s been close, warm and comfy with you all day, then Mommy comes bouncing in from the cold with her boisterous voice, singing out: “Hi Sweetie! Come see Mommy!” and toddler grabs onto his dad for dear life.

Instead of a big hello at the door, make a plan to kiss your wife and then sit down on the sofa, with the baby still on your lap. Start chatting with Mommy, giving him a chance to look at her, and he’ll start warming to her and finally hold out his arms. It’s not that he doesn’t love his mom! It’s just a big jolt out of the cosy spot he’s been in all day.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: On the weekend I ran into a beautiful black-haired girl who looked a bit familiar. She called me by name. I asked a few questions, and I remembered her and her unusual name. I couldn’t help but mention how “some people change.”

She told me she used to have dyed red hair, and she’d also lost a fair bit of weight, so people often don’t recognize her. She knows me from high school.

She was nice enough not to mention how I’ve changed — for the worse. In high school I was in great shape and considered myself quite the hot shot. In university, I had to quit my teams and I mostly just studied and ate, and it shows around my middle now that I’m done.

I wanted to ask her out, but it felt uncomfortable. She wasn’t giving me any “go ahead” signs, except she did pass me her card, and she’s in a scientific field, as well. Then she left. Was she just being polite giving me her card? Should I ask her out for a drink or not?

— Feeling Interested, Fort Garry

Dear Interested: She’s not in sales or business, so she probably doesn’t regularly hand out cards looking for customers. She gave you her personal card with her phone number, making it possible for you to call her. Possibly, she likes you more now you’re into a career and no longer “Joe Athlete.”

So, phone her soon (texting is too cold) and ask her to join you for something casual like a coffee and stroll, where you can get to know each other again. You two have a past in common, and new post-university lives to chat about. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography