Incremental approach could help with hoarding

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This article was published 13/01/2023 (1294 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother has always been a pack rat, and it’s getting much worse! I’ve seen TV shows on hoarding, and I know her habit has gotten way out of control. Our great big old house is cluttered with piles of old newspapers, broken appliances, books, and old “antique” furniture, crowded into every room. Plus. she has piles of other junk she’s collected that’s “too valuable to throw out.”

The problem is, my mother grew up really poor. She “married well,” but my father got fed up with the chaotic mess and finally divorced her. She got to keep the house, and Dad still supports us well, on his large professional income. We have no real money problems — but try to tell Mom that!

It’s really bothering me and my two sisters — also under 20 — as it’s getting difficult to move around the house. It’s also embarrassing to have anyone over.

I’ve tried to talk to Mom about getting professional help with de-cluttering our house and garage, but she becomes defensive and refuses to listen. She says “I love all my stuff. Too bad you don’t!”

I’m at a loss, and I’m the oldest. I will have to move out with my dad soon if this doesn’t change, as it’s making me crazy. But I love my mother. Dad is difficult in other ways (a nightly drinker). Staying here at home, I have my own big room, at least. Please help us.

— Hoarder’s Upset Son, Winnipeg

Dear Upset Son: Hoarding is primarily an anxiety issue. In your mother’s mind, she feels less anxious keeping lots of stuff she thinks she can sell for the family to live on — if Dad stopped helping, and she became poor again.

You do have a little control over this hoarding situation in your home, even now. First, de-clutter your big bedroom space and put in a small table with chairs to make it a private little suite. Also box up all the “stuff” on the way to your nearest bathroom, to make it part of your cleared space. Then, at least you can start breathing easier and decreasing your own personal anxiety somewhat.

You can also do a little stealth work, as hoarders generally don’t have everything catalogued. When Mom’s out of the house, get rid of the piles of old newspapers which could be a fire hazard to everyone. Then put her forgotten book stacks into boxes, and take them out to the garage.

Remember not to insult your Mom as you offer to help her with in de-cluttering other rooms, one at a time, with a bit of time in between each. She might be OK with that, as long as she doesn’t have to watch all her precious stuff going out the door at once.

As for help, the Anxiety Disorders Association of Manitoba (adam.mb.ca) would be a good place to start. Talk with them openly about the hoarding situation at home, as it’s causing you mounting anxiety. Enlist their help in getting good help for your Mom.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Regarding the brother who wrote about his drug-addicted sister, there is an additional resource available for family members with addicted loved ones. You’ve often suggested AA, Al-Anon and other 12-step programs. You should add Families Anonymous — a self-help 12-step program for friends and family who have loved ones suffering from various addiction issues and related behavioural problems.

— Wanting to Help, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting to Help: Thanks for writing in with this suggestion. This gives people more options when considering what route to choose for much-needed support.

For detailed info about their virtual online meetings and in-person gatherings, interested people can call visit familiesanonymous.org.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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