Take things at a natural pace this time around

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/02/2023 (1262 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I lost my female friend I’d been engaged to for many years. Last spring, I finally gave in to pressure from family and friends and bought her a diamond ring — and I paid a lot for it. I still made no move to marry her, though. I was previously married and divorced, before dating her, so I felt I’d “been there, done that.”

Neither of us wanted children at this late date in our lives, so I didn’t see the point of marrying. I totally missed the point of that big diamond being a promise. I just bought it for her out of respect. Two months later, she broke up with me and gave me back the ring. I found out she was hurt and embarrassed, because people thought I didn’t want to marry her because I was already “getting what I wanted.”

She moved into the city. I still tried to set a date for a wedding with her, and she cried and said, “Too little, too late!”

I’ve been suffering without her, but recently I met a beautiful woman through a friend’s wife. She really likes me. I don’t want to risk losing her, and don’t want to do anything rude this time. So, I’m asking you this: Would it be wrong to sell the big diamond I got back, and buy a new one for my new lady with the money, along with suggesting a wedding date?

— Trying to Improve Myself, rural Manitoba

Dear Trying: No one is going to be fooled, including your new lady. Rushing her would be seen as desperation — an attempt to erase what happened last time.

This new relationship hasn’t had enough time to deepen. You should both be feeling love and a compatibility that’s deep enough to warrant marriage. That takes a certain amount of time — not just a few months, but not decades, either!

As for the ring situation, be very careful! That money should never be seen to be the same funds furnishing a new engagement ring. You might secretly sell that big diamond one day, but tell no one, and use the money for another important expense in your life.

Mention the ring sale and the amount to no one, not even a close friend or family member. That’s the kind of juicy information that makes for gossip. From now on, your new middle name is “Discreet.”

Dear Readers: In regard to the recent letter from the married woman who feels extremely guilty for kissing a male co-worker one night at the workplace, I asked readers what they’d think of her confessing and then offering her husband a free pass for one kiss outside their marriage. Below is a reader response that could be quite helpful:

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The free-pass offer is a self-serving and juvenile “solution” that does nothing to restart the relationship and get past the indiscretion. It slaps a Band-Aid and soothing balm on her guilt by encouraging her spouse to “make things even.”

There is a significant difference between a serious lapse in judgment and deliberately duplicating the same action. The offer, at best, is a licence for more infidelity. At worst, the offer is an insult to her spouse.

Why feel so guilty if she honestly believes her spouse could do the same, especially if given permission? Why make the offer if she is certain her spouse will never act on it?

— A “Free Pass” Reaction, Winnipeg

Dear Free Pass: Depending on the person, a guilty secret can grow and the guilt escalate, or it may just fade with time. This woman’s “sin” of kissing a co-worker is bothering her a lot, and that may be enough punishment. It’s doubtful she’d ever do it again.

It was a regrettable indiscretion on her part, for sure. But it’s not so serious that everybody in this marriage — including the children — should have to pay for it with the family blowing apart. Private counselling might be helpful, if the marriage can withstand a shakeup without a breakup.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography