You walk a dangerous tightrope with button-pusher

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/03/2023 (1302 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new girlfriend treats people around her like she’s the Queen doling out her favours. She has a reputation I’m well aware of — treating men like servants. It seems I’m the exception these days. In fact, she treats me like gold, and I’ve never had it so good, in bed or out.

I guess I’m the “King of Her Universe” right now, but I’m not kidding myself. I do know her reputation, and at 32 she’s had time to build a big one. And, as my best friend put it last night: “How long is this going to last?”

I should mention she’s gorgeous and funny, owns her own company, and has a house with two garages and pool.

Her last man actually transferred work and moved across the country when they broke up. Why? I can only guess what she did to him was that bad. I’m aware it’s in my best interests to find out what it was, but I’m dragging my feet.

When I tried to ask her about the end of that relationship last night, I saw the first glimpse of her “edge.” She really put me in my place! If I’m going to back out and run, I’m thinking it better be soon. I’m a lover, not a fighter, and certainly not up for a lifetime of losing battles like this. Nor am I into subservience. Still, the sex is out of this world with her.

— Feeling Nervous, St. James

Dear Nervous: It’s dangerous to be one of the chosen few in a tyrant’s world — especially if you are their closest person. You admit to being skin-to-skin these days. To work out how to exit, ask yourself what it is about this woman that has you falling for her. She must have put on a dazzling show.

Did she start out with a fake sweetness and submission, to leave you doubting the nasty rumours you may have heard? Does she encourage you to tell her your deepest secrets and always take your side 100 per cent? Is she encouraging a feeling of “you and me against the world?” If so, she certainly knows what buttons to push.

Start your exit by making her aware of your own strong support system. Assure her you can handle your own world, and you’ll always keep your entourage of family, friends and valuable work associations. When she tries to get you to use her important contacts instead, like lawyers, doctors and financial people, absolutely refuse. Also, maintain your own home, no matter what. Don’t move in, no matter how beautiful her place may be.

If you can manage to maintain power through this show of independence, she may tire of you and look for an easier mark — or she may find you even more appealing as you’ve become such a challenge. Breaking up now, before things get any deeper, is what needs to happen, but be aware of this tactic: “The Queen” will amp up the sexual aspect even more if she senses you are trying to slip away and she still wants you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a habit of sucking on my teeth and my new boyfriend has mentioned it a couple of times. It is my only nervous habit. I like to do it and I’m not hurting anyone.

Last week I hit back by telling him I notice his eyes blinking when he gets nervous, and now they’re blinking even more. Is this the end of our relationship or will this quarrelling stop on its own? I am 16 and he is 18.

— So Mad at Him! North End

Dear Mad at Him: Spatting like this will only stop if you both apologize, are sympathetic and try to moderate the habit that’s bugging the other one. Your teeth-sucking habit should be easier to quit because you’re doing it purposely. But you say you enjoy it and don’t seem interested in quitting! Even if your boyfriend wants to quit the nervous blinking around you, he has much less control over that habit and hardly notices it — unless someone points it out. And now you have done that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography