You’ll never find a satisfying spot in this pack

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/03/2023 (1318 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a girlfriend who collects homeless dogs. She works at her place on a beautiful treed acreage. At first, I felt she loved me, her new man, 100 per cent. But each time she adds a new animal to the pack, she has less time for me, and I feel like she loves me less.

I feel hurt because when we spend time together, she hardly pays any attention to me. I frequently find myself off in a corner watching TV or scrolling on my phone. She barely notices anyway because she’s covered in pets.

In the beginning, I was drawn to her because of the warmth and attention she paid to her animals. I felt like I would also end up being treated with that same warmth, but it seems like there’s only so much of her to go around, sadly, and I don’t see this situation getting any better.

It’s terrible because she is really a beautiful person with a big heart, but I just wish she showed me more love. Is she the wrong kind of woman for me? She told me the other day to “man up and stop sulking.” Maybe that’s a sign.

— One of the Dogs, Winnipeg outskirts

Dear One: Trying to make your new woman cut down on the number of animals she loves would be like asking her to get rid of one of her kids — it’s just not happening. You’ll be the one going out the door instead.

The right kind of guy for this type of woman is one who’s equally drawn to animals and is just as generous with his doggy affection. That kind of couple could sit around for hours snuggling with pets, thoroughly enjoying that situation — and nobody’s nose is out of joint.

Couples like this usually don’t push the pets out of the room and lock the door, unless they’re going to “get busy.” Other than lovemaking, they totally enjoy being with the whole furry gang. That’s not you, my friend, and you need to recognize that. Time to step away from that situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I sat down quickly to use my husband’s computer to write a quick complaint letter to a store, simply because his laptop was handy and I was in a hurry. He’d just gone out to the garage for something.

His Facebook was still open and there was a message from a woman! I read the message and it was from an old girlfriend he used to live with. I thought that was over years ago. It was warm, but not sexual, but still I felt my face go red hot and then I lost it. My husband is everything to me!

I wouldn’t let this happen to us. I deleted his half-done reply to her. Then I fired her a new note saying this was his wife talking, that we share everything (not actually true) and that she was never to communicate in any way with him again!

I guess she phoned and caught him in the garage to tell him what just happened. He came into the house furious and roared, “Don’t I have any privacy in this marriage?”

I said, “Not like you did before you got married! I don’t keep any secret people from my past on the string. How would you like it if I did?”

We ended up sleeping in separate rooms — my idea. In the morning he made a half-baked apology, and I made none, because I was not in the wrong. Imagine my shock when he came home after work and said he “didn’t know” about our relationship anymore. We’re married, for God’s sake, for better or for worse! What the heck? We’re barely speaking right now — only the minimum. I’m very scared. What now?

— Not the One in the Wrong, St. Boniface

Dear Not in the Wrong: Your husband is not your prisoner. He’s your life partner, but you can’t own every moment of his life for the length of your marriage. That’s not the deal.

The marriage deal most couples make is not to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone else, other than their mate.

To be fair, you and your husband no doubt talk to other people at work or in social situations, so try to cool off and consider this scenario: You receive a friendly letter from an old boyfriend of yours — or, you just run into an old love at a party and enjoy a deep conversation with him. It’s not a big deal if the talk isn’t flirty or heated — and nobody’s looking for a private get-together. But what if your husband blew sky high over that?

Look, you have no evidence of an extramarital romance going on. You blasted your husband, slept apart from him and barely acknowledged his apology in the morning. He may be feeling cold fury now, which is worse than the heated kind.

Ask him to go for marriage counselling with you, and if he won’t go, try it alone. This fight should not be big enough to break up a marriage, but it might, if you continue giving your husband a righteous cold shoulder.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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