Redirect boss’s interest into social connection, activities

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This article was published 06/03/2023 (1256 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boss is a lovable nerd — not socially connected at all. He absolutely adores me, and trots around behind me at work, like a puppy. He’s in his 40s and still a bachelor. He’s very well-to-do, and would love to be married and have a family.

I’m in my 30s, divorced and have three kids at home. But I’m not interested in him at all.

On Valentine’s Day, my boss gave me a joke card, but I could see through the joke to the man who’s dying for a wife and family. I started to feel badly, although I certainly don’t flirt with him. I could never be that cruel.

My work skills are in high demand, and my best friend thinks I should consider getting another job and get the heck out of there. She thinks his crush on me is not healthy for either of us. What do you think?

— Getting Pressured, North Kildonan

Dear Pressured: You don’t need to give up your job, but you do need to tell your boss gently: “It’s not going to happen for us as a couple.” But then, you could also tell him you’d be willing to help him meet a bunch of fun, new people.

If he agrees, however reluctantly, tell him you’re going to help him do some research online into local activities-based singles groups. He could also look into joining groups for social, recreational or creative pursuits that interest him, or even explore opportunities to volunteer that can facilitate healthy connections.

There’s also a national group online called Meetup, found at meetup.com. They offer many more activities that are showcased online. Many people who join different activities are single, but not necessarily. They’re just people with common interests, getting together to try different activities, and it’s mainly a place to meet new people and make buddies with similar tastes.

If you volunteer to act as your boss’s activities coach, and get him out living a fun lifestyle, you might also discover different activities from his that call to you — and you’ll meet some new friends yourself. You know you probably need to!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I like your advice to the jealous husband in Tuxedo.

That’s the man whose wife is getting big raises and is now making more money than he does. (I told him that when his wife becomes pregnant, he’ll have a heavy financial burden to carry for a time, so he should be glad his wife is earning good money and investing it now to help support the family. —Miss L.) I want to add to that advice.

This man should know it’s a statistical truth that divorce rates spike when wives begin to earn more than their husbands. My advice to him — as someone who has been through it — is to start looking for ways to either supplement his income or pick up a respectable side-project/hobby which his wife can feel pride in, and respect him for it.

Maybe he can start thinking of ways to provide her gifts she likes, or show in other ways that he’s still a man who can take care of her, or their community/family members, as a provider. I wish him good luck.

— Experienced in this Situation, Winnipeg

Dear Experienced: Thanks for writing. Happily, you’ve managed to cope with this jealousy problem yourself and work through it. Hopefully, the man who wrote in will be able to use some of your suggestions.

It must be said that not every man feels the need to be the major provider, and not every woman wants her mate to be that. In fact, some men are great at running a home and relieved not to have to be “out there.”

Still, it can be difficult for any family in this expensive world if one of the parents is totally out of paying work or still studying full-time and not bringing in any money. It’s hard to make ends meet for many people these days.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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