Don’t hold breath for ‘closure’ after abrupt ghosting

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This article was published 22/03/2023 (1231 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: For 15 months a man I worked with was nothing more than a friend, but then we started dating. Everything was going great — we never argued and got along very well. He was not a man I’d normally date, but I stepped out of my comfort zone. He was a wonderful man — very attentive, something I’d strived to find for my whole life — but things were never perfect. You learn to adjust. To him, I seemed to have the “it factor” and he loved me so much, I knew it and felt it.

The only thing I could complain about was that he monopolized all my time every weekend, and we were always doing something with his friends. We even spoke of cohabitation and possible marriage a few times, and he was even looking at rings early on in the relationship. I loved this man, but was not “in love” with him, if I am true to myself.

His father became ill at the end of 2021 and I saw a behavioural change perhaps from all the stress of moving his dad into an independent living facility. His dad had a stroke there.

I tried to contact my boyfriend for updates, but he just ghosted me. I saw the news on Facebook via a mutual friend regarding his dad’s passing! I was dumbfounded that he didn’t call to advise me. I ended the relationship and asked for my personal belongings so I could move on but got no response to my calls, texts and emails. Nothing!

I did leave some “nice and mean” messages because of my frustration with being ghosted. He never replied but he did drop my things off, and returned my apartment key. He was obviously reading my messages, but he was never to be seen again. To this day, he’s still ghosting me. I still think about him — not to get back with him, but it’s the lack of closure that still haunts me. Ghosting is the new abuse!

— Ghosted, Manitoba

Dear Ghosted: It’s totally over for him, and he wants you to stop trying to talk to him. “Wanting closure” is a brave desire. It’s generally a discussion, and a painful one, over what went wrong before the breakup. Sometimes there are lukewarm well-wishes for the future.

His evasive attitude is likely just him wanting to avoid painful feelings of a breakup involving discussion. Why do you think the man who ghosted you stopped looking at wedding rings? He wasn’t feeling it anymore either.

Then his father died. People often have serious reckonings about their own lives when important family members die. They may stop spinning their wheels in so-so relationships and look for something better. Maybe your boyfriend couldn’t say: “You never loved me like I loved you,” and it was just less painful to ghost you.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: On the weekend, my wife — a tall, athletic woman — whacked me across the face so hard, she left a bruise across my cheek and gave me a black eye. She gets a strange thrill out of hitting me with the back of her hand, or a hard object — on any excuse. I’m muscular, so she just says, “What’s your problem, big guy?” She came from an abusive home, and her mother was the boss.

I called my lawyer. She said in a tired voice, “Are you finally ready to do something about this violence?” I took a deep breath and said, “OK! There’s something wrong with my wife, and she scares me. I want to be free of her for good now.”

She said, “Then come to my office right now.” I couldn’t believe it when she referred to me there as a “victim of spousal abuse.” How can I be a victim? I’m a man. Luckily, my best friend is a woman, and she’s the one who’s primarily witnessed the wounds from my wife. I just want to tell guys out there that you can fight back legally — and your abuser could go to jail.

— Victim No More, St. Boniface

Dear Victim No More: It’s good you’re finally ending your silence, and reaching out for support. With new privacy, you can safely explore websites such as Ending Violence Across Manitoba (endingviolencemanitoba.org) which offers valuable information for victims of violence — including men in your situation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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