Playing dating game, seeking love not mutually exclusive

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/03/2023 (1234 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a new divorcée at 40. I’m having fun dating casually for now, but I’d like to find love again one day. Part of me worries that dating casually is wasting time, and just putting off finding someone to truly love. However, I really don’t want a serious relationship now — just companionship, fun and sex. I also have young children who need to come first.

My question is this: Is it still possible to find deep love later in life? I hear from lots of your readers who have done so, but I’m having trouble believing I deserve it, or that it will happen for me. Any insight on this?

— Want Love Again One Day! Winnipeg

Dear One Day: It’s fine to enjoy your freedom, but not fine if it’s because you’re blocked from loving deeply. The good news? There are great guys out there who’d be happy to be a loving step-dad with the right woman, and help her fill out her little family again. So, while you’re casually dating, also try to put yourself in situations where you’re meeting quality single men you could promote to “important,” when you’re ready.

If the reason you’re stalling is you want some time to relax and have some fun — good for you, enjoy! But, if you feel you’re so badly turned off by your former marriage and you simply can’t imagine wanting a marriage again, then get some expert relationship counselling, so you’re not trying to operate with emotional blocks. You need to realize you do “deserve” love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Several years ago, my husband had an affair with my best girlfriend for almost a year. Forgiveness came, and I love my husband dearly and he loves me, but memories never go away. Counselling helped only slightly. My message is this: If you love your wife, stay faithful. A little excitement isn’t worth it. If you don’t love her, get a divorce.

— Hope this Helps Someone, rural Manitoba

Dear Hope: A woman’s best friend often hears the whole laundry list of complaints about her friend’s husband. It can become way too easy for her to know how to supply exactly what’s missing. In this case your “friend” jumped in, but ended up getting rejected. Your husband finally realized it was you he really wanted. Now, the more you can let those bad memories go, the more happiness you continue to win back.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a single guy, and I got a cleaning lady recommendation from my older single neighbour. He said her cleaning was “above and beyond the call of duty.” I pictured an older lady with a bunch of mops, but his cleaner turns out to be young, gorgeous and single. I think he was matchmaking.

Now she’s coming in later and still cleaning when I get home, so we can chat. This week she left two fancy packaged mints on my pillow, like at a hotel. I’m uneasy now! I have a girlfriend, and I know this cleaning lady is flirting. How can I get her to give up on me?

— Sticky Situation, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Sticky: Level with her nicely, letting her know about your nice girlfriend. If she’s embarrassed and her crush is sizable, she might quit working for you, so start researching backup service. Warning: Don’t ask that same neighbour for his advice again!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I know two lesbian women who are single and have a lot in common, but they keep resisting my best matchmaking efforts to get them together. One of them finally said to me: “You seem to think I can’t find somebody for myself.” I was so embarrassed! I don’t think that at all… well, maybe I do, somewhat. As far as I can see, there aren’t a lot of unattached lesbian women around to meet, except at certain summer festivals.

My husband and I would really like to see our dear friends find love and sex and the whole darn thing so they wouldn’t be lonely. Why can’t we help?

— Concerned Friends, Brandon

Dear Concerned: Let’s say you suddenly became single again. How would you like your lesbian friend to try to match-make you with a straight man, because you can’t seem to do it for yourself? Is that laughable to you?

Why? Because she isn’t straight, so how could she presume to “shop” for a guy, for you? Matchmakers can be annoying in the first place, but people of different sexualities should probably keep their advice to themselves.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography