Stoking sexual heat shouldn’t involve real risks

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This article was published 26/05/2023 (1165 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m obsessed with my ex. I think about him a lot. Not every day, but I definitely feel chills all over my body when I think about our old sex life. I have a new boyfriend now, who is a great guy and we have good sex, but it’s not the same. I don’t get any chills.

I should also confess that when I dated my ex, he and I had a terrible relationship. We fought all the time because he was on the wrong side of the law, and it also seemed like he got off on ignoring me, by going downtown to see “the guys.” On top of that, he lost a lot of our money by gambling. My nerdy sister said it was “unhealthy” being with him, but it was also so exciting! Why is life like that?

— Obsessed, St. Vital

Dear Obsessed: Some people who love wild sex need a prelude of excitement from another source. There’s nothing wrong with that, if you can find the thrill you need and it’s not soul-crushing or illegal. If you can create regular teeth-rattling excitement in your own life, you won’t need a guy who creates drama through illegal activities or by ignoring you and leaving you steaming mad. Believe it or not, there’s better kind of steam to be had on a regular basis.

So what really excites your soul, aside from sex with that ex? When’s the last time you laughed so hard you cried? When’s the last time you experienced something so wild you screamed with excitement? You’re quite aware of being an excitable woman, so why not take care of “stirring your blood” regularly with the right partner?

Maybe you need a crazy companion who goes with you to horror movies, comedy shows and sporting events, where you both yell and scream your guts out? You don’t need a criminal, just an excitable companion. Then you can top off peak adrenaline with sex that gives you both chills!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend, who’s 19, recently started talking to her ex after he had a suicide scare. He didn’t threaten to hurt himself if she didn’t talk to him, but now they’re talking every single day! I feel upset, but I also feel it’s not my place to say anything. I don’t know what to do, and I’m losing sleep.

I hadn’t dated much at all before her. I’ve been told I’m good-looking, but I’m also a big nerd and I love science and my university courses, but I really don’t want to lose this girl, because frankly, I may never get another one.

— Shy Guy, Wolseley

Dear Shy Guy: Since this girlfriend knows your dating history, she knew she could get away with a lot. She’s got two guys after her now, so why not surprise yourself? Be the one to actually say goodbye, before she does. Don’t feel you have to explain yourself, just say, “This isn’t good for either of us.” She opened the door for you, so walk through it into the next stage of your love life.

The trick after breaking away is to practise talking to women everywhere, of all ages. A great new friend generator is volunteering at festivals like the folk festival, the fringe festival, Folklorama or the Manitoba Electronic Music Exhibition (MEME), to name just a few.

Also consider signing on as an extra in movies or TV shows shot in town. You won’t make a lot of money, but you’ll get paid a bit and be fed on set. There are lots of shoots in Manitoba this year, now that COVID has abated. As extras, you hang around casually chatting with one another while waiting for the director to call “action” — perfect for you. It’s easy to get started. Kari Casting based in Winnipeg, for instance, invites people to apply online, so explore the current opportunities at karicasting.ca/current-casting-calls.

What you’re looking to develop this summer is an easiness around people, a fun demeanour and some charm. By fall you’ll be a warmer, friendlier version of yourself, and it’ll be second nature to chat with an attractive and interesting woman. That’s exactly what you want.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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