Best to just be yourself after birth-dad bombshell

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This article was published 02/07/2024 (817 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I caught my newly-divorced mother out on a date at the Red River Ex with a man who looked exactly like me, right down to the red hair and freckles. The man had his arm around her, and she was smiling up at him. She jumped apart from him when she finally saw me there, staring.

The minute we were both home, I asked her who this guy really was, and she said “a man from my past.” Then I asked her the obvious question — “Is he my real father?”

She whispered “Yes, he is.” I asked her to explain what the heck was going on and she said, “He’s also divorced now, and flew here to see me. “ It turns out my mother had a relationship with this man when she was young, and he was already married — and she got pregnant.

My mom soon married another man who raised me with her. Their marriage was OK, but not good enough to last forever.

I asked Mom if she’d be getting together with my birth father again, and she said, “I really hope so.” Then she smiled, and I saw a little tear. So what am I supposed to do with this situation?

— Finally Met Birth Dad, North End

Dear Met My Birth Dad: There’s something special about meeting a birth parent, especially one who actually looks like you, but it can reduce you to feeling like a child. You have little power to influence anything at this point, although you can support your mom by being pleasant to this man. You don’t have to try hard too hard to impress him — just be your natural self and open to talking and getting to know him.

Hang in there, try to keep acting like a grown-up and see what develops naturally.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner and I just split up, and we have a beautiful young dog together. Because of my guilt, I agreed he would get custody of the pup, but I’m still pretty broken up about that stupid decision!

Yesterday I asked if I would be able to visit the dog. My ex said that would be “uncomfortable,” given the nature of our breakup. I must admit I cheated on him.

I understand he’s hurt, but it doesn’t seem fair to our “fur baby” to deny all access to me, as we are very attached. What do you think?

— Hurting Dog Dad, Fort Whyte

Dear Dog Dad: Your ex understandably doesn’t want to keep seeing your face on continual visits to see the dog you shared. In fact, for the first few weeks and months, he may want total privacy, and not to see your face at all! But in time he’ll probably want some freedom to go out and stay overnight.

You can avoid making the dog-sitting situation uneasy by simply taking the dog every second weekend, and promising to keep the pick-ups and deliveries very brief.

Also, offer a big delivery of your dog’s favourite food for your ex as a way to cut down on the extra expense he’s suddenly incurring, with the primary care.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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