Three’s a hurtful crowd in stressful marriage

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This article was published 06/03/2025 (562 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been married for 18 years and my wife is still sexual — but not with me. Recently, she shocked me by telling me she was “kind of attracted” to one of the women at her gym and wondered if I would be open to an experience with the two of them — in other words, a threesome.

It would be in the other woman’s pool at her house. My wife knew I would refuse because I’m afraid of water, but she said she would still go alone to be polite.

She manipulates me all the time like this.

In the last years of being with her, I’ve been having broken-hearted feelings and a constant stomach ache. How do I let her go? She’s trouble, but I still do love her.

— Loved Her Forever, Charleswood

Dear Loved Forever: Your body is feeling stressed and sick. Your health situation is trying to make an emergency call to your brain, so go see your physician and explain everything. Ask to see a psychiatrist, if possible, or a psychologist first if that can be sooner. You need to talk about this painful trap you’ve been caught in with your manipulative wife and how to get out of it, so you can recover. You need to feel free.

Then a lawyer can help you get a divorce. Just don’t get a lawyer your sneaky wife knows and suggests you share. You need to work out an end to your complicated marriage, so your own physical and emotional health can return.

Then, down the line, you can look for a new woman who loves you deeply and doesn’t have a straying eye. This marriage has been way too hard on you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is normally awesome and a lot of fun.

We started living together recently at my place, but now that he’s settled in, I’m constantly having to remind him to do basic things such as taking a shower in the morning and another at night, especially if we’re going to make love.

He’s an active man, so he can smell like a wild animal after work. He finally said to me that he is a normal guy and doesn’t want to have to smell like daisies just to make love with me.

Well, I’m a fancy girl and I don’t like anything offensive in my love nest. Too often lately, he smells just plain stinky. He wasn’t like this when we started dating. He just told me he’s relaxing into our relationship. That’s a shame, because I’m not.

— Tense and Turned Off, North Kildonan

Dear Tense: People are usually at their cleanest and best-smelling when they start dating a new partner, but as time goes by, some people slack off. And when they seriously slide, sometimes their line is, “Love me the way I am or I’m out of here.” Are you starting to feel that message from him?

You have to decide if you want a guy who takes the hint he smells bad these days and remedies the situation, or a guy who stubbornly digs in his heels and causes you to say goodbye. Consider this little possibility: he may be tired of the relationship and sees this is his way out.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad — the classic gentleman — recently won a large amount of money and gave half of it to his new girlfriend. My brothers and I can see dad wants a mate so much he’s stooping to buying one.

She’s no prize. She’s a heavy wine drinker (dinner to bedtime) and he doesn’t drink at all. She’s often embarrassingly loud and vulgar, and dad is a polite guy. We’ve tried talking to him, but he won’t listen to us.

We think he’s just happy to have any woman who will pay a bit of attention to him, now that our mom is gone. Is there any hope? What can we do? He isn’t listening to us.

— Worried Sons, Tuxedo

Dear Worried Sons: Talking to him isn’t working because he probably fears being lonely too much. So, show your gentlemanly dad some possible alternatives for meeting people.

I’d recommend you do some research online into local activity-based singles groups and then you can present your father with some options.

You could also recommend he look into joining groups focused on social, recreational or creative pursuits that interest him, or even explore opportunities to volunteer that could facilitate connections with passionate, likeminded people. Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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