Setting the mood could put you both at ease

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Miracles really do happen! I recently met a great guy after being widowed six years ago. I had a wonderful husband, and I thought it was going to be impossible to find someone to replace him in the lovemaking department, so I didn’t try to date after he died.

The trouble is this: I have this handsome guy in front of me now, but I’m balking on the sex thing because my body doesn’t look very erotic anymore, at least to me.

I don’t want to lose this man, as I’m feeling warm and sensual towards him, but how can I get past the negative feelings I have, looking at myself? I feel so discouraged.

— Insecure But Interested, Tuxedo

Dear Insecure: Why not try this? When things are heating up between you, playfully say to your new guy, “I only make love by moonlight.” That will create a visual for him of what might happen.

His body will look great in subtle light as well, which will be good if he has any insecurities, as many older guys do.

Experiment ahead of time in setting the scene. If your bedroom window’s direction is wrong for moonlight, try a small lamp with a gold, orange or red lampshade to warm your skin tones up.

Be aware that candles near the bed are overrated. Why? They can shed more light than you want, and also be dangerous on a nightstand if they’re too close to flying bedclothes!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex-husband, who comes over to pick up the kids every two or three days, started hitting an expensive gym as soon as we broke up, and he’s dropped a lot of weight. His beer belly is gone, and he’s all toned up. Bully for him, his gym and his fancy career!

I’m stressed with being an at-home mom now, with the two little kids. I’m sad to say I’ve put on quite a few pounds since our breakup.

This week, when my critical ex was here to pick up our girls, he looked me up and down and said, “You’ll live longer if you dump some of that weight.”

I hit the roof, and the fighting started — making our youngest daughter cry. I felt ashamed that she was hearing us bitterly going at it again!

What can I do? Honestly, I’d like to lose weight, even just to get healthy for the kids — but not because my ex told me to. What should I do?

— Time to Shape Up, River Heights

Dear Time to Shape Up: Your precious physique was never your husband’s property. It’s yours, and you need to keep it safe and healthy, both for you and your children.

Health and fitness experts say the best way to lose weight is to take it slowly with healthy dieting and regular exercise. The added advantage in doing it this way is that slow but steady weight loss can be achieved without your critical ex noticing — and taking all the credit.

Why not take a fun route to fitness and include your children? Check out your nearest community centres, schools and YMCAs for mom-and-kid programs.

When you’re happy and having fun again, you’ll find you can achieve your fitness goals more easily, because there’s no great need to binge-eat for emotional comfort.

The added bonus? You’ll be teaching your kids by example the joys of healthy eating and physical activity.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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