Returned-gift tiff may be blessing in disguise

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I spent weeks looking for the right tech item for a Christmas present for my boyfriend. He even put it at the top of his wish list with the model number so I would get it right.

I found out today from his yappy younger brother that my boyfriend has returned my expensive gift. In shock, I phoned him right away.

He laughed at me for being in a “tizzy,” and then I really lost it.

He wouldn’t even tell me how he spent the money from the return — he would only say on better stuff. Are we talking about more tech stuff here?

He has a history of using drugs, so I’m worried and upset. Am I jumping to conclusions, like he says? What should I do? I thought I loved this guy, but he disrespected me and my gift like a young teenager would do.

I think I want that money back, not to mention the time I wasted on him. Should I demand it?

— So Turned Off, Virden

Dear Turned Off: Getting the money back for it could go two ways — he throws it in your face and you feel moderately better, or he refuses to give it back, mainly because he already spent it.

Let’s be philosophical. This is perhaps the price you pay to really see that you need to get yourself free of him — a realization worth far more than just this year’s Christmas gift cash.

If you can’t work this out in your mind and heart, see a relationship counsellor at least once. That could be worth a lot, in terms of improving your taste in men — from first impressions on. It’s definitely time to consider looking at more grown-up partners than this guy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This girl I met at the end of the holidays in a nightclub out west, where my parents still live, used to be a man. Now she’s a beautiful and amazing woman, and I fell for her instantly.

I want to fly back for Valentine’s weekend and take her out to dinner and to some clubs to dance — and enjoy being with each other in a romantic atmosphere. I talk to her on the phone almost every night, and I really miss her.

To my surprise, when I suggested the trip, she told me if I wasn’t planning to move to Vancouver to live and pursue a real relationship with her, she didn’t see the point of me visiting. That felt like a pail of cold water over my head.

What’s going on with her? Do you think it’s because she’s had trouble with people committing because she’s transgender?

— Cooling Off, St. James

Dear Cooling Off: You’re dealing with a woman who’s been through a lot — and her experiences likely include painful rejections. She doesn’t invest in relationships casually, and who can blame her?

But she is in the right place now for her identity and her heart, and she’s looking forward to serious love. It’s just that she’s being very careful and realistic, and doesn’t want either of you to invest too heavily in a long-distance romance that might not pan out. As such, she would rather have a relationship closer to home where she feels comfortable.

So, what she’s basically saying is this: “Don’t fly to see me on a trial basis every few weeks. If you’re really serious, move here to live and work, and then we’ll see about us as a couple.”

It’s a big gamble, but she knows what she wants, and it’s up to you to decide if this is a commitment you really want to make.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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