At least try to mediate between ex and birth daughter

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I was 15, my girlfriend lied to me about taking the birth-control pill and she got pregnant. Her Catholic parents shipped her off to an aunt and uncle in Quebec.

She rarely got to call me, but I heard that our baby girl was born with curly blond hair and big eyes, and looked just like me. She was put up for adoption.

My girlfriend was warned by her aunt and uncle in Quebec never to have anything to do with me again if she wanted to continue living with them. Her mother didn’t want her back in Winnipeg after the birth either, because it had been an ordeal for her.

Once our daughter graduated from high school in Quebec (where she was adopted) and became an adult, she sought me out. (I have an odd last name and wasn’t hard to track down.)

I was happy to accept her into my life, and so was my wife. But my newfound daughter wanted nothing to do with her birth mother, who she feels abandoned her, even though she has moved back to Winnipeg.

But surprise, surprise. Guess who has been calling me at work to discuss “our” daughter? My old girlfriend, who found out our daughter was here and wants to connect with her.

Now my wife is furious. What should I do about this growing mess?

—Bio-Dad, St. Boniface

Dear Bio-Dad: You should really be civil and polite with your daughter’s biological mother, who carried her for nine months as a teenage girl. Your own wife may protest at first, but don’t give up easily and let her know this is an important issue you can’t just turn your back on.

Even though your daughter has said she wants nothing to do with her birth mom, you might want to talk to her about how much your ex-girlfriend wants to know she’s OK and has had a decent life, even if it’s just meeting her once.

There can be a lot of regret later in life when people hold grudges and miss opportunities to connect with family — until it’s too late.

When it comes to you and your biological daughter, introduce her proudly to your side of the family, including cousins her age.

You say she resembles you, so your relatives may look like her, too. That could be a big deal to someone who’s been without biological family most of her life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is the kind of guy who gets off the plane wearing layers of new clothing. He thinks people who work in customs don’t recognize the expensive shirts, ties and jewelry he’s trying to sneak in from other countries.

I just shake my head when they ask where he got this and that and let him try to squirm out of it.

He’s a grown man and has a house full of fancy souvenirs from everywhere he goes, as he travels a lot both for work and with me for pleasure. Someday the customs gang will come down on him hard and I’ll have to pretend I don’t know him.

This last trip, we got into a nasty fight over this smuggling habit. What can I do to smarten him up before he gets us both in trouble?

— Worried Girlfriend, Dugald

Dear Girlfriend: Encourage this foolish man to watch TV shows dedicated to exposing smuggling crimes at borders, and he’ll start thinking twice about it.

Also, research the penalties online for trying to sneak different goods across the border instead of honestly declaring things he’s bringing home. Let him know what he’s chancing for himself, and for you, by association.

Also, it’s time to let your man know you won’t expose yourself to sharing his punishments and that means he stops, or you don’t travel together anymore.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography