Don’t let hubby’s meltdown ruin family fun

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband lost his mind at a cottage while on his own. He went up there alone to finish a technical book he’s writing and to get away from the racket at home so he could concentrate.

It should have taken him no more than two weeks to get it wrapped up and off to the editors. Then the plan was I would bring our kids up to join him, and we would all be there for a great summer holiday together.

Instead, I got a phone call from him saying he had an emergency and the cabin owner was going to throw him out and cancel the time with the rest of the family if he didn’t pay full rent immediately.

I yelled at him, asking where all the money went. Before he left, the told me he was taking a bunch of cash for the owner and was going to pay for the full amount of time when he got there.

He said, barely above a whisper, “The rental guy wasn’t here for the first week — he just left a note for me and a key under the mat. I was alone and missing you, so I went to the casino. Then I got a little drunk and lost the money for the rent. I was just waiting for my next paycheque to come in, but it won’t be soon enough. The cabin owner is furious. Can you just get over this and transfer enough to cover the cabin rent?”

First I roared, “No!” But then I buckled for the kids’ sake and said I would pay the renter directly. I called the guy, apologized for us and e-transferred the full amount plus his “nuisance fee” and saved the holiday for our family.

However, my respect for my husband went down the drain. I am totally disgusted and I’m still so mad. How do I find a way to get through this storm and save the holiday for my teenage kids?

— Furious Wife, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Furious Wife: The holiday is saved, so drive out to the lake with music playing, and let the teenage kids out at the beach. Then pick up your husband and have it out, in private. Whatever you do, don’t let the kids experience this fight, especially when it’s at the beginning of the family holiday.

Then, really try to forgive and forget. It would help somewhat if hubby wrote you a cheque right away for the amount he owes you, even if he has to postdate it. Then wipe this off the books and try to enjoy your summer holiday with your whole family.

P.S.: Don’t look for little chances to needle your partner. Your kids are innocent and will be spending a lot of time with you and their dad, so they don’t need to be worrying about their parents harassing each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When we were growing up and saw a drunk person out in public, we would make snarky comments and our mom would say, “There but for the grace of God go you and I.”

My brother and I would roll our eyes at each other and say, “There she goes again,” because we knew we were not going to be drunks and there was no danger of that happening.

To make matters worse, my mom would sometimes go over to the drunk person and ask if she could call somebody to come and get them and if they needed money to eat. We had no idea why our mother went to such bother for people she didn’t know.

But we later learned she had known one drinker very well — her own dad — and she loved him no matter what happened, and he adored her.

We finally got the details from our mom’s yappy sister — our aunt — about the drinking. First, grandpa died from serious health problems related to alcohol. Then, she got into all the family problems he caused everyone with his drunken sprees.

My question is this: why did grandma keep her husband with her until the day he died, when he hurt and upset her and the rest of the family with his drinking? I just don’t get this stupidity.

— Confused Granddaughter, Fort Garry

Dear Confused: Your grandma may not have known the extent of her husband’s drinking problem until they were married a while. Then there were kids coming, which made it hard to leave a marriage in those days. Women didn’t automatically combine careers and child-raising then. Now, a large portion of them do.

Family love and loyalty are sometimes hard to figure in alcoholic circumstances. First, be aware that not all alcoholics are mean, violent, vulgar or unable to work and help support their families — though some are a combination of some or all of those things.

Secondly, tiny children usually bond quickly and deeply with parents, and don’t know the difference between sobriety and drinking until later.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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