Create sex calendar to combat intimacy dry spell

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This article was published 19/06/2017 (3370 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m young and so highly sexed I could stay home from work and have sex all day, but my partner is so in love with his new job, I never see him anymore. When he was self-employed at home, we were at it all the time: on the floor, the deck at night under a blanket and grassy fields outside of town. Last night, he fell asleep at 7 p.m. again and I woke him up and said, “What would you miss if I were gone? Talking to me? I doubt it. My body? I doubt that, either!” He said, “Don’t make me answer that.”

I said, “Well, I guess you better go back to sleep while I pack.” He opened one eye and said, “I know what I’d miss — your sense of humour.” (I’m a cartoonist and our house is full of them). I told him I wasn’t kidding as he rolled his head under a pillow and went back to sleep. I didn’t pack because I still love him, but now it’s a threesome: me, him and his stupid job. Maybe I should find a sex buddy. What do you think of that?

— Not Getting It Anymore, Downtown

Dear Not Getting It Anymore: How would you like it if your man got a sex buddy? Cheating would not be helpful if you love each another. I gather he’s working shifts that don’t go well with yours, but there’s always a time in 24 hours when you are together and awake.

Perhaps weekends could become sex marathons, with a few trysts during the week. You need to catch him when he’s awake this week and offer him a couple of possible sex schedules on a silly calendar filled with funny, sexy cartoons you’ve drawn. Show the sense of humour he loves so much, smile a devilish smile and ask him to pick some possibilities. If he refuses to go with a month of sex dates because it sounds too cold, at least you can both see a few regular possibilities outlined.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a pig. I’m a 315-pound woman, and I ate way too much at a dinner party last week at my best friend’s cabin. I went and laid down in a bedroom and heard my husband, who was very drunk and suddenly left alone with three couples, say, “She’s turned into a real pig. She gorges herself and passes out from eating. Snort! Snort!” He made pig noises and laughed. My best friend said, “It looks like you are ready to pass out from drinking like a pig!” and the fight was on. She is loyal and not afraid of him.

I was so embarrassed and upset, I went outside and drove home. No one dumped him off until morning. My girlfriend phoned by noon, extremely mad. She said she can’t have us back at the cabin or their house because her husband doesn’t want us to hang out anymore, and she agreed. She said she would see me alone for lunches and bridge. Then she hung up. I just stood there in shock looking at the phone in my hand.

My husband’s an alcoholic and I’m an obsessive eater. I know we’re bad guests, but we’ve never been barred from anyone’s house before. We have professional careers. What he said about me was horrible, but he’s said worse before and I just let it roll off my back. What should I do? I haven’t told him yet that we’ve been banned from our friends’ dinner parties. I’ve been hoping to catch him sober, so we can talk without an explosion and a terrible fight. He has only hit me once before.

— Banned Because of Him, Winnipeg

Dear Banned Because of Him: This issue is way bigger than being banned. The saddest thing is you’re not upset enough. What does it take to make you mad enough to yell “stop” and make major changes regarding this man? You’re like two people on a motorcycle with the wheels coming off, and you can’t see it. For a start, you’re eating yourself toward a heart attack and diabetes, and he’s drinking himself toward a burned-out liver. Plus, he’s verbally and physically abusive.

It sounds like your relationship is a toxic combination. You both have professional jobs and make decent money. Throw some of that income into counselling and identify everything that’s wrong in your relationship, and why you’re stuffing yourselves with food and drink. Consider going to an Al-Anon meeting (204-943-6051) for friends and loved ones of alcoholics, and also an Overeaters Anonymous meeting (204-334-9008) for your immediate personal help with obsessive eating. Encourage your husband to go to the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (204-944-6200) to assess where he is on the addiction trail and help him see it and get help.

If your places of work offer counselling on their group insurance plans, both of you should to tap into that. Get all the help you can, even if he does nothing. Your husband can only help himself. He may not do that until you threaten to leave him or you actually go. Or he may never stop drinking. But your life should go on. Call the Manitoba Addictions Helpline at 855-662-6605 for advice on what help is available.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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