Father’s Day not the time to shock real dad

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/06/2017 (3378 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Please print this on Father’s Day. The only father I’ve ever known is my stepdad, who is a really nice guy and I love him. Through a lot of work, I found out where my real father lives (another province) and I even know his phone number now. My mother finally admitted the reason he never came around: she had never told him she was pregnant because he had just broken up with her. Her best friend was in love with her and more than happy to step in and marry her. Though she wasn’t in love with him in the beginning, my mom says she fell in love with him over the course of her pregnancy and even more so when she saw what a wonderful father he was.

I don’t want to hurt my stepdad’s feelings, as he is my father through his love and actions. But my biological dad never got a chance to be any kind of father to me because he didn’t know I existed. Should I surprise him and call him today, or do you think he would have a stroke?

— Tempted to Call, Transcona

Dear Tempted to Call: If you want to hear the shock, call him on Father’s Day, but brace yourself. His first reaction might be stunned silence as he stands beside his wife and (perhaps) children. Do you really want his first shocked reaction to be negative? Instead of presenting yourself on the doorstep, or making a call to the house, sit down and write him a letter tonight. That way you honour the day, without the shock call.

Mail your letter tomorrow, sending one copy to his work and one to his home. That way his wife can’t get into it first, and perhaps hide the information. Enclose a few photos of yourself over the years and be pleasant, no blaming. Write three or four paragraphs, not more, so there’s more curiosity to see you. Give all your contact information.

Don’t just leave it in his court to respond. Give it a week or so, and then call and try to make personal contact, and ask for a meeting. Good luck!

By the way, how much information do you have about your father? Does your mother know anything? I’m betting she does. I wonder why your mother never gave your biological dad the opportunity to know you. That was not fair, but your mom was young and maybe he wasn’t a good guy. Now that she’s older, she owes you any helpful information about the kind of person your father was as a young man, and a little about his family, too. But she’s not your only source. Other people carried this secret, such as your mom’s parents and perhaps your aunts and uncles. Go visit them and ask your questions. Let me know how all this goes!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a grandma, and I want to thank the men on Father’s Day. Many are every bit the involved parent as their wives, and sometimes more. They talk to their kids about all kinds of things. My grandkids get lots of hugs from their dad, and both a man’s opinion and a woman’s opinion freely. In my day, kids only told their secrets to their mothers. Now I see dads holding kids protectively on their laps, talking to them and wiping their noses. I like these modern dads so much better. I wish my kids had experienced a father like that and I had a husband like that.

— Wistful Grandma, St. Vital

Dear Wistful Grandma: I agree. I would also like to give a shout-out to all those good dads. And, let’s not forget the stepdads who willingly give their love and time and support to children they inherited, big and small. Happy Father’s Day to all the men out there with children, and to those kids — if you can, please get in touch with your dad today.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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