Not everyone wants to make out with the babysitter

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This article was published 04/07/2017 (3051 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I was 12, my last babysitter ever got way too sexual with me — she kissed me on the mouth and stuck her tongue in it, and gave me a reaction below the belt. I never said anything to my mother or father. The girl would have been 15. I was good-looking, but I wasn’t a teenager, just an innocent boy, and it felt sickening that she did it to me.

Recently, I ran into this old babysitter and it all came back to me in a rush, in detail, like it just happened. I walked up to her and said, “You sexually abused me when I was 12 and you were babysitting. I remember it.” The colour drained right out of her face and she said weakly that I was lying. I looked at her hard, and said, “No, you did it, and that was a terrible thing to do to a young kid in your care. Now I know why I never let my wife hire babysitters outside of the immediate family. “ I told her she was disgusting for doing that.

She turned away crying and I don’t need to do anything beyond that. It felt good to confront her and get it out. Some might say it was just a kiss, but it was totally inappropriate and sexual. I absolutely refused to have babysitters after that, and started insisting on babysitting my younger siblings myself. My mom thought I enjoyed looking after my bratty brothers. I didn’t really, but I was keeping them safe from all the older girls who babysat. As an adult, I don’t let anyone babysit our children except their grandmothers. You never know who you can trust. What do you think of this?

— Abused at 12, Winnipeg

Dear Abused at 12: I believe you absolutely, though she tried to call you a liar. You were right to confront her and get your feelings out. When the colour drains out of someone’s face, it is usually fear and shock, or the feeling of being caught and in trouble. It was not appropriate for a 15-year-old babysitter to be kissing a 12-year-old boy in her care.

Even though it’s years later, you should tell your parents what happened and why you insisted on babysitting your younger siblings. That will further loosen the knot in your gut. There may be other good young people you know that you can trust, and you may not have to be so rigid now whom this trauma has come up and you were able to deal with some of it. It’s time to go to a counsellor and get it all out — all your feelings, every bit — so you can relax and stop carrying it and reacting to it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man on the bus and we got to talking. He was very interesting and we chatted. He talked most of the way. Two weeks later, I got on the bus and that interesting guy was there, but I was wearing a hat and sunglasses and it seemed he didn’t recognize me. I sat down beside him and he started right in, and here’s the thing — he told me a completely different story about his life, the countries he had lived in and what he had done for work. Either one story was a lie, or the other — or both. Does he tell different stories to each person he sits beside? I suddenly felt scared, got off the bus and ran home. I have seen him on the bus since then, but I sit as far away from him as I can. My brother says all the crazy people take the bus. Is he right?

— Avoiding Bus Crazies, Downtown

Dear Avoiding Bus Crazies: You’re not crazy, and you take the bus, right? Most people are just regular folk going to and from school, work and events, but you must keep your eyes open on any kind of public transport. If you think someone near you is odd, move away quietly and confidently. If someone is trying to attach themselves to you, staring holes in you or somehow frightening you, go talk to the bus driver who is trained to advise you the best way to be rid of that person, get off the bus and make it home safely.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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