Stop paying former escort to know if love is real

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/07/2017 (3326 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a middle-aged man who had a bad marriage and now I’m in love with a former escort. Throughout my marriage I lost all my self-confidence and hated myself. People said I spoiled my wife. All those years, I never cheated on her, but eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore and started having suicidal feelings. I then focused on my kids, who saved my life, because suicide was not an option, and I also focused on my career, investments and savings, not caring about myself.

There came a point when I really needed companionship. For quite a long time I was looking at escort ads.

I chose one because of her name, and she was beautiful, not young, just my type. I didn’t expect to meet someone to love, just for a confidence boost and a little companionship.

When I met her she was sexy, beautiful, with an amazing personality — everything I could hope for — and she treated me so well.

We confided in each other and started to care about each other. I fell in love. She wasn’t a career escort, and ultimately stopped because of me while I continued to help her financially. I don’t want the money to be important and I don’t want her to feel she owes me. I want her to know I love her and hope she feels the same.

But I have a lot of bad feelings from the past, still lack confidence and I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I can sense maybe she feels I’m holding back a bit and maybe that’s what’s causing her to hold back.

I’m truly in love with her, but scared I’m going to lose her because I’m still fighting a battle with myself. Please help me, and maybe someone else out there can help me, too, if they also have advice. — In Love, Winnipeg

Dear In Love: Do you feel she’s in love with you, or are you worried that you are more of a loving benefactor and that’s why she treats you so well? You will need to ask her how she feels about you now that your feelings have turned into love. Yes, that involves risk, but if she never vocalizes how she feels, you will always be wondering if it’s the money and security she loves and just has a pleasing personality that is focused on you for now.

Until you have this talk, you may keep holding back, and she may keep holding back too.

Don’t donate any more money to her in an effort to buy her love. Let things develop and see how she feels about getting married.

You need to know if she sees you as a friend or a lover for a time, or as a forever husband because you have gotten in so deep.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend likes to talk tough like a gangster with his friends and me, and I find it kind of hot. Then I overheard him talking to his mother and he was talking like a little boy: “Yes mommy, no mommy. Yes. I’ll come right over and take you to the store. Yes, and do the garbage, and your weeding. Yes, I’ll hurry.”

Then he walked back into the bedroom and started talking to me like a big tough guy, and I started laughing. He asked what I was laughing at, and I told him it was the way he was talking to his mommy, and he hit me hard across the face. My eye started turning black and my lip bled. He said, “Don’t ever talk s–t about my mother and me again.”

I’ve never been hit by a man before and I never want it to happen again. I had a headache for two days. He says he’s sorry, but I brought it on myself.

My girlfriend said this is the time to leave him, but he says he’s really terribly, terribly sorry and he guarantees it will never happen again. What do you think?

— Hit Me Once, Winnipeg

Dear Hit Me Once: Get out now while he’s in sorry mode, and stay out. Thousands of women all over this province who went through what you just did — the first assault — will tell you the same: run! It is the beginning of a vicious cycle that turns like a wheel and gets worse and worse each time.

It’s different in different cases, but the cycle goes something like this: assault, apologies, down-on-his-knees begging, “Please, please. I love you. It will never happen again.” Then he’s charming and loving for a time, but soon gets tired of grovelling and starts to get cranky, starts issuing orders, criticizing you, blaming you, amping up the drinking and/or drugs, going out a lot, coming home late, asserting his freedom and gets angry, blames you and wants to argue. Then he’s ready to blow. There’s yelling, pushing, another assault, this time worse.

Then the whole thing starts again and further down you go until you’re terrified for your life and have no self-esteem left.

Please call the experienced counsellors at Manitoba Association of Women’s Shelters at 1-877-977-0007, or if you’re in Winnipeg, 204-615-0311. The person who answered the line when I called to check was lovely, kind and said, “Tell the person she will be totally anonymous and she will not be judged.”

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I took my sons and their girlfriends to the lake. The girls were given one guest cabin and the boys were in another guest cabin. They woke up in the beds as couples! I got up early, peeked in the windows and caught them. They are in their mid-20s, but it is against my upbringing to have this happening under my roof when they are not even engaged.

My husband says I’m living in the past, I’ve turned into a peeper and I should be ashamed of my own behaviour.

I didn’t say anything to the couples, but they knew they were caught and I was upset. What about the rest of the summer? We have a great summer place. What do you think?

— Concerned Mother, Lake of the Woods

Dear Concerned Mother: Look, Mama Bear, they’re not literally under your roof, you can’t hear anything sexy and their private life is no longer your business. And no peeping allowed. These are not children, they have chosen each other as sweethearts and they started sleeping together long before they went to the cabin.

If you ever want them to come back, after what you’ve done, you’re going to have to adjust your thinking and make everyone feel welcome. Don’t even suggest where the couples sleep. Just tell them to pick the cabin they want.

Get smart! These young women may end up married to your sons and bear your grandchildren. Handle them with care if you want to see the grandkids much.

They aren’t teenagers, and you can’t afford to treat them with disdain because they love, and make love, with your sons. One or both of your sons could feel distanced from you because you damaged the relationships with their lady loves early on.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6