Girlfriend having second thoughts

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This article was published 05/07/2017 (3050 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went up to the lake and had a big think. I came home, having made the decision to ask my girlfriend to marry me. I hinted around and she seemed interested. We went out looking at rings in a few stores. At the last store we went to, she said the rings were beautiful, but she wondered if it would spoil what we already have. I asked why, and she said she would feel chained to me by the ring. I almost fell over. Chained? She could walk away from me any day of our marriage and I couldn’t stop her. What the heck just happened? — Shocked and Sideswiped, Wolseley

Dear Shocked and Sideswiped: There’s a big difference between “I’m not ready,” and “I’ll never feel ready.” Oddly enough, she may always love you and stay forever, but she just can’t feel chained by a ring and a wedding right now. Either she works out the fear of being stuck in a marriage, or you have to re-evaluate what you want. You also need to ask her if she wants children and the forever thing, or if she’s a stay until the passion runs out kind of person. What are your feelings, hopes and dreams? It’s time to have a long, serious talk, and then go back up to the lake and do more thinking. Lakes and nature, in general, help us to untangle thoughts and see the big picture.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a funny man at a conference and we laughed all day. Then we went out for dinner and stopped laughing. Something was happening to both of us and we started telling our life stories to each other. He wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, but I was. It turns out he’s married too, though it isn’t a close relationship anymore, as his wife had an affair five years ago. He has never trusted that she stopped seeing the other man entirely, as she also travels for work.

I’m married to my best friend in the world, a man who is a good, kind and gentle soul. I could never cheat on him but, God help me, I want to now that I have met this man! If we both were free, we would have gone upstairs to a hotel room and spent the next two nights of the conference there.

It felt more than just fun. It was a deep feeling of knowing each other and vibrating to the same internal music. When we were about to part on the last day, he drew me into a little meeting room that had been vacated and we kissed like there was no tomorrow. I was into it, too. But there is no tomorrow for us. Or is there? — Kisses Sweeter Than Wine, Winnipeg

Dear Kisses Sweeter Than Wine: There may be a tomorrow down the line for you two. If either of you end up alone, for whatever reasons, no doubt you will contact each other. But considering the love you have for your husband, it’s doubtful you would suit an affair. Your husband seems dear to you, even though you’re tempted. It’s no fun getting together secretly and then feeling lousy, consumed with guilt and like you need to confess, which would blow up your family.

This new man would probably feel less guilty because his wife already opened the door with her affair. But how about you? Has the physical intimacy in your marriage gone by the wayside? Why is that? Can it be fixed? If you got together with this new man, would that relationship cool off after a few months when the novelty is gone, and then would you miss your husband?

Don’t chat to your friends about this, no matter how tempted you are. Take it to a relationship counsellor for a few sessions and hash it out alone. You will at some point soon need to tell your husband you’ve been feeling dangerously restless. He may be feeling the same way you are and finding other women attractive. Don’t ask for his dirty details, but do invite him to join you for counselling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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