Ex-husband’s ménage à trois none of old wife’s business

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This article was published 20/10/2017 (3265 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve just discovered my boring ex-husband is living in a ménage à trois with a woman — and another man. I’m shocked and disgusted, to say the least. I’m trying to figure out if they are just sharing this woman alternately or if it’s three together in the bed. And, is my husband involved with the other man sexually? Could this mean he was secretly into men when he and I were still married and having relations? If so, should I be getting tested for STIs? This has opened up a whole can of worms for me. What was he experimenting with when I was married to him for 16 long years? He was a lacklustre lover after the first year. Was he in the closet and seeing men secretly?

I have many questions and when I phoned him to express my shock at his “new” living arrangement he told me — in rougher words than this — to go stuff myself. I can’t stop thinking about it. What should I do?

— Shocked To The Core, St. Boniface

Dear Shocked: First, you are not his wife anymore. You behave as if you are still a part of his life. You’re not. Health concerns are understandable so just go see your doctor and get yourself tested for the sexually transmitted infections you fear. If everything’s OK, you need to find a way to cut yourself loose from this obsessive thinking. A psychologist could help you work through this obsession so you can start looking forward instead of backwards in horror — and fascination. Let’s face it, this is the most interesting thing your “boring” husband ever did and it seems you want to be in on the details.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m severely annoyed by the way my daughter is talking to me. She’s just 18 and has taken this “of legal age” thing to the max. If I tell her not to do something, she says, “Well, I’m of age now and I can always move out! Is that what you want, mom?”

She announced yesterday that she will come home at whatever hour she wishes, go into bars (as if she never has!) and stay overnight with her boyfriend, who has his own apartment. She isn’t even in love with the guy. (I asked.) This is her first year of university and she thinks she knows it all. She’s been trying her amateur psychology on me, analyzing my every move and motivation. She often calls me “hysterical.”

I love her but, frankly, I can’t stand her and wish she’d move out, but not move in with the boyfriend. Her father and I kept her from going to university out of town because we didn’t want to lose her. Ironically, she’s losing us. My husband suggested last night we pony up the money to send her to university away from Winnipeg next fall and pay for residence. I’m ashamed to say I now feel giddy with excitement when I think of her going. What do you think?

— Had It Up To Here, River Heights

Dear Had It: Eighteen-year-olds — the immature ones — can be insufferable. Don’t feel guilty about wanting this birdie out of the nest when all she does is kick feathers in your face! She wants to fly now, and both you and your husband need her to take flight. Outline to her your new plan for her to go to an out-of-town university. She can start the application process anytime. Knowing she’s leaving town may inspire her to study for better marks this year.

As for her sexual freedom, the boyfriend and his apartment — there’s not much you can do. So what if she stays over sometimes. Just don’t push her into moving in with him prematurely. And make sure she knows enough to use two forms of contraception at once, one also being a barrier against sexually transmitted infections.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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