Dead grandmother’s abusive words still hurt

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/10/2017 (3263 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to the young lady who had enough of her abusive grandmother and took her power back at Thanksgiving. (The grandmother had called her a “porker,” criticized her small breasts and said other nasty things. She stood up and told her grandma off).

Way to go, girl! I wish I had your guts 30 years ago. Like you, my grandmother was both cruel and critical of me while I was growing up. She made comments about my weight, my overeating, she said I was lazy and never help my mother, that I was just like my father, and on and on.

The last time she told me that, I chose to keep the peace and bit my tongue. I was furious and stuffed it down deep. I wish I had the courage to stand up to her and do what you did. Instead, I cut my holiday at the lake short and drove home that night, mad.

Shortly after that, her dementia set in, and I could not tell her how I felt about her abuse and cruelty. My grandmother died in a senior’s home, with the nearest family member a five-hour drive away. She was cremated and buried with my grandfather. There was no funeral. She was buried like unwanted trash, and forgotten.

Six months later, there was a small memorial service, most likely because my mom and aunt felt guilty. I refused to be a part of it.

To this day, 25 years after her death, I still hate her. I still go back to that last time I saw her and replay that moment in my mind, but with me yelling back at her like you did.

Unfortunately, I cannot go back and stand up for myself and take my power back the way you did. I am so proud of you. Do not give in to family pressure to make nice to your grandma. Doing so will tell her she can still bully you; that it is OK for her to be abusive.

She will die alone. You will not mourn her death. And 30 years from now, you will not be haunted with regrets of not standing up for yourself when no one else would. — Still Living With The Regret, Manitoba

Dear Still Living With The Regret: There’s a lot said about forgiveness setting a person free these days. That depends on what you call forgiveness. I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to stand up for yourself, and let your abuser get a big blast of your truth so it would be easier to let go of these hurtful memories. But given the situation, and your need to be free of this burden you still carry 25 years later, you still would benefit from counselling.

Good counselling involves letting your grandma, and whatever nasty stuff was in her background and her brain, finally get processed and be finished. It involves negating the things she said about you, and repairing the rips and tears in your self-confidence. It also involves filling that place that used to hurt in your gut with new confidence, and feelings of relief, freedom and peace.

And you’re not alone. Your mom, if she’s still alive, aunts and possibly other grandchildren who were the receivers of your grandmother’s abuse and cruelty, probably need help, too. Go on your own first, though, so somebody else doesn’t have the floor all the time.

Be careful in your choice of an abuse counsellor. Ask questions about their beliefs and processes before making a choice for their help.

You are not looking for someone preaching forgiveness for your abuser, you are looking for someone to help neutralize the terrible words that hurt and scarred you, someone to help you cut yourself loose from those memories.

You need help to reduce the size of your abusive relative in your mind to something insignificant, and help to find peace and the blessed relief of not thinking about, or believing, your grandmother’s cruel words anymore.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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