Couple needs tow from no-sex ditch

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/12/2017 (2854 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is furious with me because she found my early Christmas present to her, lingerie, which she said is only to please me. There were receipts, so she returned it, got the money back and bought herself a red dress and shoes.

Why is she like this now? She was never a prude before we were married; in fact, she was more enthusiastic about frequency and adventure than I was. Since we got married and had four kids, she has gotten less and less interested.

She says it’s because she’s so out of shape, but I don’t see her that way at all. Her eyes, lips and long hair haven’t changed, and those are the things that drive me the craziest with desire. I love her and want to make love with her only, but lately there’s been next to nothing that isn’t pushed by me.

I hate pushing, but I’m guessing we have sex every six to eight weeks now, if and when she feels like it, and then it’s a lacklustre OK. And it’s quick! No guy could be faster on his own.

She knows the buttons to push to get to me fast, so it’s over in a flash. I know of another woman through my work who would love to have me in her bed, and I’m becoming tempted. Help!

— Not Getting Any, Transcona

Dear Not Getting Any: You two need marriage counselling. Make that your New Year’s resolution for yourself and ask your wife to join you.

Even if she panics and starts favouring you with more quickies, insist on the counselling. Without it, you’ll be backsliding right into the spot you are now.

If two unmarried people went out on a date and had a fight or even a boring time, would they want sex at the end?

Nope, at least not with each other. Even the guy would likely write it off and look for somebody else to take out. Couples in trouble usually have a history of fights, unspoken issues, disappointments or just plain boring times. Desire for sex does not spring from those experiences.

Sex comes from shared laughter, good times, easy affection, sharing secrets and enjoying things they’re doing together.

With four kids, there may not be many non-family times to enjoy. Is your wife overworked? Could cleaning help from you or a paid service make things better?

Deep down your wife may be scared stiff of getting pregnant with a fifth child. Is it time for a vasectomy, if you don’t already have one?

Have you two called each other hurtful names and said some unforgivable things, which are recalled whenever the other person starts to look like they want sex or affection?

Are you two so deep in the no-sex ditch you need to call a tow truck? That’s what a good marriage counsellor can be, if you’re both willing, but that can start with one person going. It’s amazing how fast the other person shows up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I literally ran into a man in the St. Vital mall and both our bags fell on the ground. We stood up laughing, before we could see who we were laughing with.

We are big enemies at the hockey rink! We can’t stand each other, but we forgot for a moment because we couldn’t stop laughing fast enough.

So I asked him to go for a coffee to forget our Christmas shopping for a bit, and we did. We avoided any hockey talk. At the end, he shook my hand, but he said gruffly that I was still an idiot at the rink and I should stay away from him there. I’m confused. Was he kidding about that?

— Friends or Enemies, St. Vital

Dear Friends or Enemies: You’re new friends away from hockey, and not-so-mad old enemies at the rink. Heed his warning on limits though.

He wouldn’t want people to think he’s gone soft, so don’t try to cozy up to him at the rink, but you can both be pleasant if you meet up elsewhere.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We just bought a new house and have enough furniture to furnish every room, but according to my husband this house needs all new furnishings.

We can’t afford all new furniture and I’m the family bookkeeper, so I said no, and showed him the books for proof. He was still furious and said I wasn’t his boss and I couldn’t dictate to him.

Our furniture is not plush, but it’s not raggedy and it’s still serviceable. My husband has been to his boss’s house in Tuxedo where everything is decorated in white and he loves the look, so he wants to copy that style. We do have some money for more furniture, but not for the whole house.

— Out of Control, Southdale

Dear Out Of Control: How many rooms will the boss every see, if that’s who he wants to impress? Buy a new sofa, chair and throw pillows, and put a tablecloth and candle on the coffee table and you’re done.

You can buy a few new towels for the bathroom and a fancy shower curtain if you want, and that’s it.

There’s no need for the boss to tour the new house when you have him or her over. He or she probably doesn’t even want to have to go around praising every room.

Just make sure your guest has fun and feels comfortable. Make sure there’s interesting food and drinks, maybe even a game or two to play and candles around the living room and dining room.

That’s perfect for an evening. There’s no need to put yourself in the hole to look rich before you are anywhere near the top brass money, and it won’t earn you a promotion.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave.,Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6