Biological father’s existence won’t cause her to lose dad

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/12/2017 (2840 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Earlier this month, I was excited to meet my mom’s old boyfriend — her childhood sweetheart.

She knew him before my dad. My parents are divorced now, so I guess my mom got in contact with her first love online, or through old friends. 

So this guy came to a party she had and I was kind of shocked when I saw him. He didn’t look like the guy in the old black and white picture I saw; in reality, he has dark red hair, the exact same colour as mine and his eyes are also the same colour.

I could go on and tell you six more things we had in common.

I knew almost instantly this man must be my biological father, and then I was an emotional mess.

I made excuses and left the party and went for a long ride in the car, ending up at my dad’s place.

Luckily, he was alone. I went in the door in tears and broke down sobbing, “I don’t want to lose you!”

He didn’t seem to need explanation about why, but reassured me and said I would never lose him. 

He explained that he married my mother because he loved her. He knew she was pregnant with her ex-boyfriend’s child, but was happy to bring me up as his own.

He said he was mad at my mom for springing this old boyfriend on me without telling me first about who he was, but she was probably afraid I would refuse to meet the guy, if I knew.

Now what? I don’t want this new dad.

— Still in Shock, Westwood

 

Dear Still in Shock: You’ll still have the same dad you’ve been with all your born days.

He stepped into the father role and he loved it and you, and he intends to be your father until the end. The biological father may end up being friendly with you since there is no need to be enemies to prove anything to your lifelong “real dad.”

It wouldn’t be disloyal to be friends and call him by his name, but not dad. He knows he didn’t raise you, and it may or may not have been his choice.

Your mother may not have even told him she was pregnant. Sometimes young women make the pregnancy discovery after a breakup and don’t want to go crying to the biological father.

He may never have been told, although with the clear similarity in looks, it may have gotten back to him. You need to ask your mom all the questions you have.

This will sort itself out over time. Just don’t make any rash statements with the word “never” in them.