New year starts with drinking, dancing and divorce

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This article was published 05/01/2018 (3198 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate my words on New Year’s Eve when I had sex with another man. I always said I would never cheat, no matter what. We went to a big party and my boring husband went home early, as usual.

This time I kept on dancing with this guy who was there with a mixed group of couples and single friends, and he had his own hotel room. I was drunk and we had a ball dancing. Then at midnight we went up to his hotel room for a midnight kiss. We never came back down. I was up until 4 a.m. and then closed my eyes for a few minutes and woke up with a horrible hangover, at 8 a.m. I took a cab home.

My husband met me at the door of the living room and asked where I had been. I started into a lie I had worked on in the cab, and he said, “Shut up! I know exactly where you stayed all night and the name of the guy.” I apologized profusely and he just laughed a nasty laugh and told me my clothes were in the guest room where I was going to be sleeping from now on.

I don’t know what to do. Counselling is out because he said he won’t leave the house and I could just leave. We have kids in university out of town. I am sick to my stomach and have a terrible headache all the time. Please help. — Living In Hell, South Winnipeg

Dear Living In Hell: Get emergency help from a relationship counsellor and go by yourself. Be grateful to have the conversation privately. You need to tell the whole sordid story to someone other than your husband, including how you really feel about him and the marriage.

Nowhere in your letter did you mention any emotional words. You didn’t say you loved him or were sorry for what you did. 

As for going up to a guy’s hotel room for a New Year’s Eve kiss, even drunk people know a midnight kiss on a bed is not the same as a midnight kiss standing on a dance floor. So, there’s more to this sexual mash-up than an alcohol-fired smooch.

You need to assess what’s going on in your marriage, and find out how your husband feels and what he wants. It looks like he wants the house since he’s shunted you into the guest room quickly.

You’ll need to check on the laws regarding separation, divorce and joint possessions, as cheating on a person more or less publicly (he knew the guy’s name) is certainly grounds for a breakup. Was your drinking the reason he went home?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: As a New Year’s resolution, I decided to get rid of my husband — who is more trouble than he’s worth. He does nothing except go to work and come home.

I do that as well, and make twice as much as he does. I also clean the house, cook, do the laundry, organize our social life, pay the bills and make our travel plans.

I quit doing most of this extra stuff, except paying bills, a few months ago. I invited no one for the dinners we used to have and didn’t organize anything much for New Year’s Eve.

By the way, we have no kids. We have one dog and he walks it if he’s in the mood.

On New Year’s Eve I told him that I was through with the marriage, and that doing everything for the marriage was already finished if he hadn’t noticed.

He shocked me by telling me he didn’t mind, that he was tired of being married to someone so bossy and he was interested in another woman, although he hadn’t dated her yet, nor had he touched her. He was hoping I would get fed up with him and make the first move.

I asked him why he stayed and he said it was because of our sex life, the easy life I had made for him and the fact that he didn’t want to hurt me.

I just started screaming! I totally lost it. I said, “You wasted all these years for me by passively pushing me out. I wish you had the guts to tell the truth. I could have found someone, who was an equal in the marriage and who truly loved me and helped out at home and with the damn dog. Maybe I’d even have wanted kids with a real man like that.”

He looked at me and told me I was still young enough to have kids, so it wasn’t too late. That’s when I threw the first plate at him and he ran out of the house. I don’t know what to do. —Completely Broken, St. James

Dear Completely Broken: You’re feeling destroyed because you weren’t the one who got to tell him to get out and watch him cry. He listened and said, “Works for me.”

Oddly, you went from strong enough to throw the lazy bum out to crying, violent and broken because he not only agreed, he had a replacement woman ready to go.

Face the facts. Your love and respect for him were already gone long ago, so you’re just crying because of pride and jealousy.

As for blaming him for wasting your time, you wasted your own by staying in a relationship where you did all the work. Get your own lawyer and accountant and make this a fast, fair and clean divorce and get on with it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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