Jealousy over mother-son friendship leads to malicious lies

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This article was published 10/02/2018 (3158 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I caused a fight between my husband and his mother, who have always been best of friends. His dad died years ago. I have now realized I wanted to push them apart because they are better friends than he and I are, so I made something up that his mother supposedly said about him being a loser of sorts, and he believed it and challenged her. She fought back and exposed my lie.

I had also said they acted more like lovers than mother and son, and I made fun of them giving each other valentines. They both hit the roof over that, and now I’m in the doghouse here and he is at his mom’s house. How do I get out of this?

— Green-Eyed Serpent, North End

Dear Green-Eyed Serpent: You need to speak about your jealousy to both of them. That is the root of the bad behaviour that caused all this hurt, and it could cause it again if it’s not worked out. It doesn’t excuse the lying, but it does explain the action. As for the valentine, in some families people exchange valentines — not the romantic kind, but the cute and funny kind.

You should see a relationship counsellor privately, then see if your husband will go with you to help bind up this wound, have it heal and get past it. As for your relationship with his mom, either you need to explain what happened after you see the counsellor for some insight, or do your best to explain it now if you’re not going. Life is too short to let lies and jealousy undermine important relationships.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last year I gave my wife the big political speech about how I refuse to be dictated to by the Valentine’s Day commercial push, and that I would give her flowers any day of the year I wished, but not the day they say. I had come home that day with no card or flowers to prove my point, and tried to give her a big kiss instead. She pushed me half way across the room.

She had secretly knit me a scarf the same colour as my eyes, with an abstract red heart at one end, which took her two weeks to knit. I gave her nothing and proved my point to Hallmark, and she looked at me with her big brown eyes, threw her gift at me and cried herself to sleep in the spare bedroom.

I want to be nicey-nice this year, but she announced today she will give me exactly what I gave her last year — nothing. Now what? Last year was terrible. I don’t think the card companies or the florist shop missed my business. This year looks like it could be terrible, too. If I give her a bouquet of flowers, she may throw it back at me because she knows I don’t mean it. I do mean it.

I love her, and would stand on a hill and yell it out, but now I have a terrible reputation with her, her two best friends and her sister, who all heard about last year and how I made her cry. Help!

— Can’t Win, Steinbach

Dear Can’t Win: There are some wars best left unfought, particularly when you hurt a loved one’s feelings by making them the unwilling example of your disagreement with commercialism. It’s like not giving someone close to you anything on their birthday or Christmas — a hurtful thing for them, and then for you.

Give in, be happy and go big or go home. Don’t give her a puny last-minute blossom from a supermarket. Tell her now, ahead of time, how sorry you are about last year, and that you will be making it up to her this year and every other year. That way she has no anxiety approaching this year or weird feelings because she feels the impulse to give to you. If she protests, tell her you are giving her a gift anyway and how much you love her. Ask her to please not throw it out.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s this girl in my class at University of Manitoba that I have a huge thing for, and I stare at her every day. I want to give her this letter and poem I wrote about how beautiful I think she is, but I’ve never really spoken to her personally.

Should I just hand it off to her on Valentine’s Day after class? Would that be OK to do? I don’t want her calling campus police on me. I’m not a stalker.

— Devoted Valentine, U of M

Dear Devoted Valentine: Stop! Giving her the poem and letter would be a very bad move. Instead, talk to her. Say hello, introduce yourself and start some small talk, such as asking her what she thinks of the course so far. That’s worth way more than a letter from a stranger that might be perceived as creepy. Rip that letter and poem up, and start talking with her. After seven contacts, advertising experts say people begin to view someone new as familiar.

So, just say hi, realizing it’s a way of touching someone without touching them.

The changing weather conditions are your friend. Use a bunch of innocuous remarks about bundling up, storms, etc. Good luck, Romeo!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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