Dying wish is to reconnect with childhood sweetheart

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/02/2018 (2794 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m still in love with my childhood sweetheart. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think about her, even though she and I are married with wonderful partners. We went through school together, and even while in high school we talked of marriage and having a family.

Unfortunately, when her parents realized I wasn’t going to university, they talked her into dumping me. If they could only see me now. I have become a respected businessman with a very recognizable name.

I’m happily married, as she appears to be, but I can’t forget her. I have spoken to her maybe a dozen times over the years, and it’s always magic when I do, and I get the feeling it’s the same with her. I’ve always respected her marriage and have never tried to contact her, but now I’ve have been diagnosed with a fatal illness and have only a few months to live, and I have a great desire to talk to her one more time.

I don’t want to cause trouble for her or hurt my wife, but if I don’t talk to her, I’m afraid I might ask for her or call out her name at the end. I’m torn between calling her, or just hoping I don’t cause any hurt. Any ideas?

— Dying To Call Her, No Address

 

Dear Dying To Call Her: Don’t do a big romantic dinner gesture, but a coffee or a lunch might be just enough with this old love to see how she’s doing in life, and to have a hug goodbye. And you do have questions to ask of her, so be organized enough to write them down ahead of time as you feel a bit flustered when you see her. A couple of questions could include asking what her what her parents said to her back then to persuade her to break up with you, and why she didn’t pursue you when she moved out of their house.

Was she younger than you were and maybe didn’t have the same deep lifelong feelings you did, though she did feel romantic towards you in high school? I’m also wondering why you didn’t reach out to her when she was out of the house. Did you feel you had to be wealthier and better known to impress her parents, and then it got too late and she was taken? Aren’t you a little bit glad you didn’t have her snobbish parents as your in-laws?

Here’s the thing: you can love more than one person in your life time, sometimes deeply. One love doesn’t end just because you changed directions or lifestyles or cities, and found a new relationship. Both of your marriage mates were your other true loves on Earth.

Do you just want to say to her, “I always secretly loved you all my life” and have her say it back? Perhaps you are safe in assuming that is true. Many childhood sweethearts do hold those feelings, but it’s a beginning kind of love and not the complicated long-term type they experienced with their life partners.

It’s an innocent love you have with firsts that you can only have as ­teenagers before life and work and children complicate things. In long-term relationships, there are often fights or hurt feelings or nasty words that take away that innocence and leave scars, sometimes considerable ones, and those can lessen the passion.

Lots of people have met with first loves, and some of them have gotten together again if both partners are free. But when the marriage partner has been loving and kind and gone through life’s trials and had children together with you, there are many more connections of love, and sometimes the innocent first love feels a bit small, on second look. Or not!

So start slowly with the conversation over lunch and watch for her reactions. Make sure you are sensitive to her feelings, as this conversation could end up being painful for her, and she may have a long time to live with that.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.