Mom’s relationship with a woman shouldn’t come as shock

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/04/2018 (3100 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is an attractive, intelligent woman. My dad died quite a few years ago and my mom has never dated another guy. I finally asked her if it was because of her deep love for dad and she said no, a little too quickly. I took her cue and asked again.

She said in a determined voice that she didn’t know how to tell me but her best friend and her were together. She used the word lovers, and said it had been going on for years. 

I just about fell off of my chair. Then I got the sex visual in my brain. I tried to push the picture out of my mind, and I told her the idea made me feel kind of sick.

Then she got mad! She said, “You’ll get over it. I felt sick the first time I caught you and your girlfriend having sex in the downstairs bedroom with the door open.”

I told her I could still hear her gasping and yelling. Then she started to laugh and then I kind of laughed, and we hugged and I got in the car and went home.

But now she wants me to feel comfortable enough to go to the lake where she shares a cabin with her girlfriend. Isn’t she asking too much of me, as her son, to be there while she’s having sex with a woman under the same roof? — Feeling Pushed, North End

Dear Feeling Pushed: In a word, no, it’s not too much to ask of you. Welcome to the year 2018, when hopefully a grown-up married son, is OK with his widowed parent having sex with her new partner — with the door shut — and it doesn’t matter who she loves and what her sexual preference.

You’re a man now and have probably had sex thousands of times, if you’re lucky. Get over this shock and stop judging your mom for her choice of a female partner. It doesn’t look good on you.

Open your heart to your mom and her partner, go visit at the cabin and try to share in their happiness.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend travels a lot for her work and I get jealous when she’s away. I imagine all kinds of things and my imagination tortures me before I go to sleep at night, even if she phones me, which I ask her to do every night. Sometimes she can’t and I understand that, but she is so beautiful, funny and exciting I can’t imagine guys not crowding around her.

Sometimes we have phone sex and I feel good about that, but she works so hard during the day, she’s sometimes too tired.

She says she loves me to the moon and back, and that’s where it feels like she’s gone every time she travels — that far away.

How do I get a grip on my jealousy? I want to ask her to quit that job, but she loves it, has the education for it and gets paid well. If I demanded it, I think she would choose the job over me. — Jealous Idiot, Winnipeg

Dear Jealous Idiot: You don’t trust her and that’s a big turn-off to a person who is being faithful during work travel, despite opportunities.

Travelling can actually be very lonely and a stranger is usually not the answer to feeling less lonely. It’s nicer and warmer to have an intimate talk and perhaps phone sex with the person you love at home than to find a stranger in the bar to take to your room.

Also, work travel can be very hard. People with good relationships try to squeeze as much work into days and evenings as they can so they can get back home where they are loved, and the people they love.

Trust requires a leap of faith, but it’s worth the leap in a good relationship. Trusting your sweetheart will endear you to her and make her far less likely to take comfort with someone else when she’s away.

Skype, Facebook and telephoning are all ways to be together, and they beat back the jealousy factor. Before we had so many easy ways of communicating, it was much lonelier with many days of little or no communication. Back then, one-night stands or affairs were more likely.

It’s all about taking a chance on your love, and not worrying. Go to sleep with loving words having been said, and don’t mistrust your lady until proof or a confession is actually in your face. That doesn’t make you a fool; it makes you a smart, loving partner.

Hot tip: when you’re on the phone, don’t just talk about work, the kids (if you have any) or hassles in your life, also say things such as, “I was just thinking about you today, and you know one thing I really love about you that I’ve never told you before…” and then tell the story.

These are beautiful little conversations that can help keep a relationship close and safe when partners are away from each other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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