Make plans to avoid despotic father-in-law

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This article was published 06/07/2019 (2618 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My tyrant of a father-in-law comes out to our lake and tries to treat me like his poor wife, who died several years ago. He used to order her to bring him this and that, and cook and clean while he sat and did nothing. I used to protest on her behalf and he’d say, “She has nothing to do. It’s good for her!” No wonder she bowed out of life with him early.

When he comes up to our cottage, he tries to make me fetch for him. I say, “Do it yourself. You’re not busy!” And then he gives my husband such a thunderous look that my man fetches what his old man wants, like when he was a kid. Disgusting.

I don’t want him coming to the lake this year. I told my husband that, and he said, “But he’s my dad and he’s lonely.” I say that his dad is unspeakably rude and deserves to be lonely. Is there any solution?

— Father-in Law Tyrant Problem, Manitoba

Dear Tyrant Problem: You can bet your father-in-law doesn’t like you either. Possible solution: your husband could invite your dad and one or two of his pals up to the lake to go fishing for a weekend. You can stay home for a little staycation and do activities with your kids, such as the zoo, open farms, concerts or movies. Then at night, get a sitter and go out to patios for dinners al fresco with your pals. Fun for everybody.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: You said in a recent letter that some of us clean freaks think we are “right.” It’s the other way around. I’ve been made fun of by non-germaphobes for using sanitizers or washing my hands after touching money or animals. I read that one should do this.

I actually envy people who let their dogs and cats sleep with them, or let cats walk all over the kitchen counters or table, fur flying all over the place (sometimes finding it in their food) or using dishes people eat from to feed the dog.

These are the same people who have no problem brushing their teeth, washing their hair or even bathing their full-of-poo babies in the kitchen sink. This is what bathrooms are for!

I don’t think cleanliness is next to godliness, nor do I need counselling or have a phobia.

I just wish people were more understanding. What I have is a weak stomach and I gag at the thought of eating at their places, but I have run out of excuses not to accept dinner invitations.

Unfortunately, there are very few people who feel like I do, who would gag as well. I sure could use some advice on how to decline dinner invitations without hurting people’s feelings.

— Clean Freak, West Kildonan

Dear Clean Freak: You’re gagging at the very thought of eating at other people’s homes. You definitely have a phobia and it’s limiting your life. Once free of this phobia, you’ll be able to visit back and forth with friends and relations and have dinners with them at their homes as well as yours.

Your physician could recommend a psychologist or you can phone and make appointments yourself.

Psychologists are not covered by medicare, so check to see if you have group insurance if you’re working for a business outside your home. Or does your phobia keep you from working elsewhere? Getting help could really open up your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a good friend and mother. Unfortunately, she gave up sex with me after the children were born and it was a cold wilderness in that bedroom for many years. I stayed to do my duty as a father and husband.

Fortunately, we have an insulated cabin and I have a longtime lady who loves me. She and I have been meeting at the cabin freely, as I’m not at all friendly with the neighbours and we are way down the lake. My wife always hated that cabin because it is so remote, but it really suits my purposes. I also have a job that requires a fair bit of travel, so I can be discreet in meeting my lady there three seasons of the year for get-togethers.

But people are very nosy at the lake, it turns out. I have met some neighbours in the past year at the store who recognize me and even know my name. Last week, I was with my lady buying a few things and a neighbour said, “How nice to finally meet you — and you must be his wife.”

My love gave this guy a look to kill, and walked away. He realized what must have had happened as he said, “Oh, sorry, it’s just that I’ve seen you two together at the dock.” I didn’t say anything. What could I say — “she’s my lover?” This has made for all kinds of trouble.

Now my girlfriend insists I leave my wife and marry her. My kids are gone to college, so I have no more excuses and she’s single. What should I do? I liked things the way they were.

— Very Reluctant, Winnipeg

Dear Reluctant: The time has come to make a choice. You can’t use the children as your excuse. If your lover has stayed because she believed you were staying married for the kids, then your reluctance is going to show you up as simply greedy.

And did you ever think that if your wife knew the situation, she might want to be free to find someone else? Or maybe she already has someone else in the city.

Just because she didn’t like sex and romance with you doesn’t mean she doesn’t like sex and romance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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