Smarten up, don’t dwell on unhappy anniversary

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This article was published 07/07/2019 (2618 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My summer trauma time is coming, so I’m getting ready for the depression that sets in on the anniversary of the day my husband walked out and left me with the three kids. I had no idea he was leaving. I also had no idea he had another woman and her family ready to go to. Luckily, I had a job and was able raise my kids.

It seems that date will be forever circled on the calendar of my life. When it first happened, I circled it in red ink. After that, I could see that day every year circled like that in my mind’s eye. It’s like a big, black cloud comes and hangs over my head from that day until the end of every summer. How can I stop it?

— Helpless, Winnipeg

Dear Helpless: Big disappointments happen to everyone at some point, but most people don’t honour them by remembering the exact date and having a mourning period afterward. That particular date and season are not responsible for what happened. What you did afterward to recover is significant.

You simply haven’t done the recovery work. Does part of you enjoy the sulking and the attention and sympathy it brings? Helping you remove this recurring summer trauma reaction would be the kind of thing a psychiatrist or psychologist (perhaps one who does hypnotherapy) could do, which would be of great help to you. It’s time to give up this annual mourning, which must be very hard on your family, and spoil their summers, too.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met the sweetest man on a university bus and we were talking like we’d known each other forever. I could tell he didn’t want to say goodbye either. He suggested we go around the whole bus route one more time together so we could talk more.

I laughed and almost agreed to do it. He gave me his card and I have it in my purse. I take it out and look at it every day. I didn’t have a card of my own to give him. The trouble is I’m too shy to phone, and he left it to me. Please help me!

— Missed My Chance at Romance? U of M

Dear Chance: You already know he wants you to call, and he’s waiting. He’s going to say yes to any invitation, and he must feel badly with each day that passes that he didn’t ask for your number. So call him! If you have to leave a message, identify yourself as the girl on the bus who should have gone around the circuit with him again, but had to run. Ask him if he’d like to meet for coffee at a fun place like The Forks.

All you have to do is punch in his 10 numbers and get this romance rolling. It’s certainly worth a try. How often do you meet a guy you really like on the bus to university? Don’t leave it any longer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m pulling my hair out. My 18th birthday is soon and I just found out my sister is organizing a big party for me. I’m shy and hate circulating at parties and I really wish I didn’t have to be there. Now it’s gotten worse as my sister blabbed she invited my ex-boyfriend to drop by. Some nerve! I faced off with her and called her out for doing that. She said she did it for my own good because she knows I’m still pining for him and he still loves me. I don’t know where she got that information. What should I do?

— Going Nuts, Tuxedo

Dear Going Nuts: It would be a terrible thing to uninvite this old boyfriend from the party, so put on your best dress and be friendly. As for not wanting to circulate, here’s a trick: since you’re the birthday girl, you sit in a big chair through much of the party, and people can take turns visiting you. Just tell your mom and sis to decorate one comfortable chair and tell people this is how to greet you. Now stop worrying about how you will handle anything at this bash. That’s your sister’s and mother’s department, so let them do their magic.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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