Find someone to love you for who you are

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This article was published 19/07/2019 (2633 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I think I hate love. I spent three years chasing women for fun, sex and friendship, and it was a really good, happy time in my life. Then I fell in love with this woman who is older than me by five years and she was just wonderful. I wanted to be with her for life — until I got hooked and confessed my love to her.

Then it was like she had a blob of clay in her hands and she was going to mould me into the perfect man for her. Suddenly, I had a new, shorter haircut, new clothes and was “eating healthy for a change.” Then she moved in and put a stop to my casual beer drinking at home and I can’t have liquor in the house. Finally, she pushed me to ask for a raise, which I got. I was grateful for that. But now her birthday is coming up and she is hinting big-time she wants an engagement ring. She wants to marry me.

In the meantime, she has remained the same. I didn’t feel critical towards her until she decided to change me. So, feeling angry, I got in the game and gave her some suggestions for looking more appealing to me. Now she doesn’t want to have sex with me. What should I do?

— Falling out of Love? Wolseley

Dear Falling Out: Your mistake was to jump to the love pump too easily. “I really like you and who knows where this will grow” is a much better place to start even though it’s kind of thrilling and romantic to say, “I love you!” in the heat of passion in those first months.

But now it’s time to scrape yourself together and move on to a place of privacy, where you can put yourself back into one piece. Don’t worry. You’ll not be losing a real love. Couples who actively try to change the person they’re with, from head to toe, are not truly in love. It’s like they bought a kit of promising materials, and now they’re trying to create something they could love out of it. Luckily, there are people out there who are a natural match for you. Look for them!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got mad at my boyfriend for mentioning another redhead at a bar who he thought was hot. We were drinking at his house. I was so mad I ripped off the chain he gave me and said, “Look! See this!” and flushed the chain down the toilet — a skinny chain with a tiny little heart.

Now he’s told everybody I am a bee-atch. Later he showed up drunk, as usual, and he wanted to make up, and he held a new chain in his hand for me with a heart on it. I told him to go away and sober up and take his stupid chain with him. So he did. I just sat and got drunk as usual.

I didn’t see or hear from him in a week. Then I went to the bar where we always go to dance, and there he was dancing with this hot redhead he’d mentioned before (who looks a lot like me). Then, the chain around her neck caught the light, and I see a little heart on it. My new chain!

I went up, called her some names and tried to rip it off her scrawny neck. My boyfriend protected her and security came over and took me to the door and told me: “Go away! You’re always causing trouble and you’re not coming back in here again.”

I was the one who was wronged! It’s my bar too, and all my friends go there. Should I call the manager and give him a piece of my mind?

— Furious Girlfriend, Downtown

Dear Furious: A bar is not public property, so don’t bother calling the manager to tell him off. Bar security perceives you as a constant troublemaker, and you’re out of there! Good! You need to do something about your drinking and destructive behaviour. Getting off the booze is your first need, and Alcoholics Anonymous could help, if it’s gone that far. You should also know destroying property — as in attacking a woman and ripping a necklace off her neck — would be a form of assault and could land you in jail.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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