Muscle on in, but do your research

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/08/2019 (2256 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just met a drop-dead gorgeous man at the beach — very muscular and darkly tanned with dark curly hair. I have never had such a sexual jolt to my system. I’m a 21-year-old virgin, but my body was in such a state, I walked right over to his beach blanket to talk to him on a lame excuse. He invited me to sit down and chat.

I wanted his touch and I was so turned on that I touched his arm several times when I asked him about his weight training, as if I wanted to start doing it.

A half-hour later, an angry muscle-bound girl was standing by the blanket with a picnic hamper and said: “Excuse me, but you’re sitting beside my fiancé. I suggest you move right now.” I looked up and saw this woman who was extremely muscled in a tiny bikini. And boy, was she mad! I visualized my face smashed by her strong hands, and quickly backed off. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to this guy, as she plunked herself down to give him an “ear ringer,” as my granny used to call it.

My best friend laughed at my sad story, and told me there are a lot of lessons in this incident for me, but she wouldn’t play sex adviser. So what are they, Miss L.? I really want to know.

— Suddenly Awakened, North Kildonan

Dear Awakened: Your friend was teasing you, so let me give you some helpful tips: first, face facts. You’re so ready for a sexual experience — you boldly tried to hustle a sexy-looking stranger on the beach. You have truly had your sexual awakening. Great!

Now it’s time to analyze the type of guy you’re attracted to. It turns out you’re very quickly turned on by muscles. Not everybody is. So, go where the muscles are being built by mostly single men at a gym that attracts the 20- to 30-year-old age group.

This time, before you start charming a guy you are attracted to, quickly find out if he already has a lady in his life. If so, be polite, but don’t waste your time. You’re looking for a romantic relationship — not a quick coffee date.

Are you prepared and doubly protected in case you start dating a guy? It’s time to see your physician for advice on a combo of trustable protection to prevent pregnancy and disease. I know that’s not very romantic, but it’s important to think of the consequences of a romantic entanglement.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s the middle of summer and I just got dumped by my girlfriend. She doesn’t feel she’s “in love” with me, although she’ll “always love me” — whatever that means. I hear she has her eye on another guy.

We had rented this cabin for the whole summer and now there’s a month left and she says she’s not paying her half to me, as promised in our deal, because she won’t be there. I’m paying it all for the past four weeks and I can barely afford it. Also, I don’t know what to do with myself there.

— Feeling Totally Lost and Lonely, St.Vital

Dear Lost: Whatever you do, don’t give this girlfriend the satisfaction of your being sad and all alone at the cabin — and hating it — or staying in the city and wasting the last month you could have had by the water. Why not share the cabin with friends and family or even a close co-worker?

If you really need the money, ask one or two buddies to share the cabin for the last month and pitch in for the rent. Just make sure they aren’t party-hearty types, as the people who rented the cabin rented it to you and your lady.

By the way, the woman who says she will always love you is trying to “let you down easy.” At best, she wants to be platonic friends someday when this breakup cools off. Easy for the dumper to say! But you — the “dump-ee” — may find it easier never to see her face again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.